I had a dream last night that I was back in middle school and that Tom Hanks was my science teacher. I went to middle school in Michigan, yet in my dream I was in NYC, and Tom took our class on afield trip to the Museum of Natural History. Then, all of the sudden, I was on Tom Hanks’ private jet except it wasn’t Tom Hanks it was this dude who resembled Tom Hanks but was really, really hairy and really, really fat and he was like, “Mindy, make out with me!” and I was like, “No, hairy, fat, dude who kind of resembles Tom Hanks” and he was like, “I am Tom Hanks you whore” and I was like, “I hate you Tom Hanks” and he was like, “I’m going to crash the plane” and I was like, “I’m never going to watch another one of your movies again!” and then I made out with him and all the sudden we’re back at my apt except I now have the body of my 13 year old self, which means I am 4 inches shorter, 1 cup size smaller, and have really long armpit hair. So, I’m making out with a fat, hairy Tom Hanks in my apartment when, all of the sudden, Oprah comes in and starts singing “oops I did it again” with complete choreography. Tom is so entertained that he stops trying to unhook my bra, and we both applaud, and suddenly there is a whole studio audience in my room clapping for Oprah, and I’m wearing my bra, and a pair of stretch, tapered blue jeans circa 1992. Then, Oprah comes over to meand whispers in my ear, “I love your scrunchie! Where did t you get it?” and I bring my hand up to my hair and in my hair is a giant, ugly, blue velvet scrunchie! I scream, the studio audience screams, and Tom screams except now it looks more like Tom Hanks back when he did the movie Big and I’m really attracted to him, yet I know in my heart, that I cannot hook up with a man who is merely a subconscious symbol representing my desire to make out with famous, fat, hairy men who pilot planes, especially not while I’m wearing a giant, ugly, blue velvet scrunchie.