have been unable to update the site for awhile. I’m moving and have not been able to access internet from my apartment. Sorry. I have (to answer multiple e-mails quickly) still been doing stand-up. If you are in NY and want me to e-mail you with my schedule until I am able to update it from my computer just send me an e-mail. Also thanks to those of you who read my columns and then came to some shows in New York. That was cool!Go read my new article http://www.collegehumor.com/
I just went to the gym. It depressed me. I think it is because I never feel as if my life is moving forward; I never feel as if I am going anywhere. I think that riding a stationary bike, climbing fake stairs, and rowing on a rowboat that is bolted to the ground is only taunting me. I have gradually started to work up the confidence to use the weight machines. I am taking part in a weight program I have entitled, “operation lift.” If you haven’t guessed already, it concentrates on my pectoral muscles. I spent 15 minutes at the chest press today, which was very exciting. Yet, I’m not sure it counts because I used 10 of those minutes trying to adjust the seat. Then I sat there immobile for 3.5 minutes. Then I saw someone about to walk past me. I quickly wiped invisible sweat from my forehead and stretched out my arms as if they needed stretching for 60 seconds and then attempted to work out my limp and lazy chest for the next arduous 30 seconds. I completed one press and felt, at last, that I was a true athlete.A lady tried to have a conversation with me about her lactose intolerance in the steam room today. I thought it was inappropriate. My point is this: I now have rock hard pecks and know everything there is to know about what dairy does to a sensitive digestive system.Also, I really love receiving the e-mails about my column, the site, etc, but please try to keep them. . . ah. . . well listen if you’re reading this and you know that you are guilty of sending me obscene thoughts or questions via e-mail then please stop. Unless, of course, I wrote you back with a video attachment. Thank you.