For those of you that don't know, my columns are now at collegehumor.com.
I have a couple new ones up so go read them.
I just watched Thelma and Louise for the first time. It was on AMC. Except I got a phone call that I had to take 15 minutes before it was over, and since my basic cable package doesn’t allow me to pause live television, I don’t know how it ends. Do they get to Mexico? Does Louise end up with the dude who gave her the ring? Does Brad Pitt come back for another scene where he just rolls around naked in the 66 hundred dollars? Are they both convicted and end up electrocuted? These are questions that remain unanswered. I was thinking to myself the other day, “I need a vacation” but then I stopped and realized that I don’t have a full time job, but rather have about 4 part-time jobs with only about 2 of them paying me. So do I need a vacation from doing comedy and theatre, the daycare, or from writing? Or, when I say vacation do I really mean a 5-minute massage from one of those guys in Times Square with those chairs that have that big head hole in them? I guess that’s kind of like a vacation if you don’t get out much, or are in need of human contact.
A girl told me to F***k off today because I accidentally ran into her and her boyfriend on the street. I was looking down, and they were taking up the whole street. She was not attractive, and he was cross-eyed. I told her that since she was so unattractive she had every right to act like a bitch, and that nobody is perfectly symmetrical so don’t be so blue. She smiled and said, “ I know, I’ve been dealing with this ugly ass asymmetrical face all my life, it makes me want to cry” and I said, “Don’t cry, ugly ass bitchy girl with the cross eyed boyfriend” and then they walked off hand in hand.
I ate a small pizza for dinner last night. Seems like a lot, but it’s only 6 pieces. I bought a new bra this weekend. I went bowling on Sunday. I bowled horribly. My highest game was 95! It’s because my shoes and my ball are in Michigan.
Kitty Raf is coming to NYC next weekend. There will be a parade downtown next Saturday in her honor. Get excited.