thisisnotreallyablogforreal

Learn to ride a unicycle
Ride unicycle to work on Fridays

Stop eating whole loaves of Dutch Country Potato bread in one sitting
Stop eating whole loaves of Dutch Country Cinnamon Raison bread in one sitting
Stop eating whole loaves of bread in one sitting.

Learn lots of mundane trivia
Blatantly slip trivia into conversations with people in the form of a, “Hey, did you know that—.”

Start “Naked Sundays” again this year and this time COMMIT to it! No clothes on Sundays, no matter what.

Become a spiritual person.
Send out a mass e-mail informing others that you are a spiritual person.

Lose 2 pounds
Send out a mass e-mail informing others that you lost 2 pounds.

Have a threesome.
Send out a mass e-mail informing others that you had a threesome.

Stop sending out mass e-mails

No more shoplifting

No more drunk dialing

No more Krispy Kremes as a reward for staying on the treadmill for 8 minutes.

Wear your retainer from 8th grade more often
Find your retainer from 8th grade

Stop making Herpes a scapegoat for your fear of intimacy

Go read it.

I am booked on a Kids Comedy show in January at the Laugh Lounge.
I am already starting to feel anxiety about it.
I am really good at making babies laugh.
I rock at making babies laugh.
A little peek-a-boo, some exaggerated facial expression, some tickling, those guys eat me up with a spoon.
But I can’t play peek-a-boo, and tickle monster with a crowd of grown children.
I mean I could, but I would probably get locked up.
I went through every “joke” I have ever written and I am convinced that none of them will go over well with an audience of 100% 8-11 year olds.
Come to think of it, I haven't been around an 8-11 year old since the early 90's.
How does one make a 10 year old laugh?
I don’t know.
I asked some fellow comedians for advice.
They told me to just say poop a lot. That kids like potty humor. “Say poop a lot, that’s a funny word.”
I feel that my career has reached an ultimate high.

Ok, I have sorted through the poems and prose and picked out some of my favorites.
( Poems? What? Why are people sending you poetry? Oh poor, silly, make-believe internet fan, go read my last column. Shame on you!)

I actually received some well written and quite touching works: men eloquently coming to the defense of their age group, wooing me with similes and complex imagery, pouring out the regretful details of their last failed relationship. Yet, the ones I have chosen to share with you guys are not of that category. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if you accused me of penning them myself. But no, dear readers, these are real. These are real people. These words somehow found their way to my inbox. Enjoy!

Subject: Let’s hook up!

Wanna touch you
Wanna touch you
Wanna touch you
Reel bad

Wanna hold you
Wanna hold you
Mindy write me back
I would rock your world
I have a car
I’m mature
Let’s hook up

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Subject: Why I think that you should date guys your age

I’m 24
I would treat you like a princess
I would buy you Krispy Kremes
I would take you home for Christmas
I would introduce you to my friends
I have a big cock
LOL

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Subject: Fan Poem

Mindy,
Girls suck too. My GF is 23 and she’s a slut.
She sleeps with all these other guys and she thinks I don’t know, but I love her.
But I’d dump her for you. I’m not a stalker. Probably hear that a lot. Ok I am. No, I’m not. But I read your mom’s blog. You seem a little easy from your columns. Will you send an e-mail to my girlfriend and tell her we’re sleeping together? That would be AWESOME!
Poem:
Girls suck
So do guys
Alcohol is good
Girls are evil
Mindy is AWESOME

OK that sucked. Ha ha!


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So, those are my favorites. If any of you are thinking of sending one still, leave it in the comment section. My e-mail is almost full and this way you share it with the 8 or 9 people who read this blog.

Last night I did a corporate comedy show.
I was very tired and planned on doing my set and then getting to bed asap.
My memories of the night are as follows:

arrive

do my set

get off stage

say my goodbyes

down a shot of tequila

talk with a corporate man-person for 25 minutes about the definition of "visibility" as it relates to financial institutions

down my second shot of tequila

talk with another corporate man-person for 25 minutes about the definition of "visibility" as it relates to financial institutions

do another (less formal) comedy set for three men screaming ( take it off)

down my third shot of tequila

teach 6 business men how to tap dance

teach one talented business man an advanced combination

accept large amounts of cash from various gentleman with promises of a good time

sneak out unnoticed with said cash

hail cab home

arrive home

count cash

pat self on back

pass out

I've gotten some e-mails shaming me for
"only wanting a guy with money" or "needing a guy to take me out all the time and spend money on me" etc.

Let's clear this up right now.

The repetitious line " . . take me out" in my column does not imply "take me out [and spend money on me]", but rather just "take me out [in public]."

ok, now I feel better.

New column is up.
I have received so many fun e-mails from it already, and a lot of really interesting poems. I’ll sort through them and pick out my favorites to post soon.

Only 20 days until the annual family reunion. My brother’s engaged, my sister’s moving in with her boyfriend, my parents are still happily married, my grandparents just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary, my older cousin Brian just got engaged . . .even my 10 year old cousin has a serious girlfriend. I don’t know if I can survive another talk from my mother about how much she loves The Ellen Show followed by a wink and a knowing glance. This past year, in hopes to convince my parents of my heterosexuality I have made it a point to tell them about every guy, no matter what, no matter when.

Voicemail: 3:30am
( I’m in some dudes bathroom)

“Hey mom, it’s Mindy. Sorry to call so late. Just wanted to let you know that I got some last night. From a guy. I got some. Last night. From a guy. Yup, that right, just because I don’t date them long enough to bring them home for Chanukah, doesn’t mean I don’t like seeing them naked. Spread the word to the rest of the fam. Love you, bye.”

Actually, I don’t feel as much pressure about this family reunion as I did our last family cruise. Here our some of the photos. (The captions were written by my sister’s boyfriend.)


Kitty and Bob

Brian and Kelly


Stacey and John


Mindy and Date


Yes, not only was I the token ‘lesbian’ daughter but I was also an alcoholic.
This reunion there will be about 40 of us, and I’ve already been told that a kayaking trip is planned. That’s right: 40 Jews, 20 kayaks, and enough food for 200. I’ll keep you guys posted.

She was sober and, as far as I know, she is not mentally disabled in any way.
When asked why she did this she replied,
“I had to do laundry and I had to shower. I didn’t have time to do both.”
Let me break it down for you.
She needed to wash a white button down top for work and take a shower. She didn’t have time to do both. So, logically, she soaked the shirt in detergent, put in on, and hopped in the shower.

At first I thought this behavior was absurd and I looked upon her actions with the same judgmental glare as anyone who washes their clothes and themselves separately would. Yet now, after having pondered this for awhile, I have a mere, one word, reaction, “Brilliant!”

Human Spin Cycle Incorporated
Think about it: woman shows up at man’s abode, she dresses in man’s dirty clothes, and they both enjoy a clean, time-saving shower. Society would never be the same. Millions of men across the nation would not only be showering, but doing their own laundry.
And the roles could reverse themselves if need be. Soon, Human Spin Cycle Incorporated would branch off into sub companies of other activities that can get in done while we shower like, washing vegetables, watering plants, doing dishes etc.

That’s as far as I can take this on my limited hours of sleep.

The first thing I thought was, "Oh god, where am I? How did I meet a college dude? I hope he was 18! A split second later I realized I was at the University of Maine. No, I did not meet a college guy from Maine, drive 7 hours with him from a bar in NY and pleasure him in the bedroom of his frat house. (That was last weekend, it was NYU, and it was a Thanksgiving favor.) No, I was in Maine doing a fraternity sponsered stand-up show. I will be spending the next three or four days doing some college gigs in the Northeast. Right now I am at a Super 8 Motel in Southern Maine. There's a pool here, with some questionable looking men drinking beers. Their flannel shirts are draped across the pool chairs. I am looking at them out the window of my room. One of them just winked at me. Gotta love Maine and the sexy middle aged men that come to Super 8's for a dip. There are a lot of cool things here in Maine. Like pine trees, long straight roads, and leaves. So far I've taught six Maineian ( that's what I call people here, they love it) woman about the joys of their bodies, gotten ill from a biscuit at a local Popeyes, and added 2 new people to my personal circle in Friendster. All in all, it's been a great trip.