Thursday, February 17, 2005
Dear girls whose conversation I overheard on the bus this afternoon,
Hi, my name’s Mindy and I’m here to help. You see, as I was sitting on the bus, reading my ‘Go Italy’ travel book, I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. You would think the roar of the engine and the crying baby next to me would make it impossible for me to hear you guys, let alone understand you, but your voices were so shrill, and surprisingly articulate, that it really wasn’t a problem. After about 1 and ½ minutes, I concluded that all three of you suffered from major angst issues. So being the humanitarian that I am, I just wanted to take this time to answer some of your dim-witted, whiney questions. You’re welcome.
“Like why can’t I just find a guy that is like hot, and who like isn’t a dweeb and who like has a hot body who like actually cares about me?”
You can! You can find a hot guy with a hot body who isn’t a dweeb. In fact most hot guys with hot bodies are not the socially inept, studious type— which is what I think you meant by dweeb. Now when you find this guy, will he care about you? No. He won’t. He will probably use you. But I don’t know for sure. This is just a guess.
“Why do I have like all this extra skin stuff on my stomach? I hardly ate anything yesterday. Where does this come from? Ugh! Gross!"
Ok, so there’s this thing that happens with a sperm and an egg that produces a baby. Are you with me so far? Good. Now women have the honor of carrying that baby (inside of them!) and therefore have padding on their bellies as a kind of genetic cushioning device. It’s natural and it’s quite beautiful. Unfortunately, you’re so thin (in a “hey everybody look at my collar bone” kind of way,) that your natural womanliness— or what’s left of it— seems a bit more conspicuous.
"Where are all the good guys?"
They’re dating flexible women with self esteem issues. Which is why I’m surprised you’re asking.
"You think I need glasses? Every time I read I get a headache."
No, I don’t think you need glasses. Sometimes when people are trying to figure something out, like the meaning of a big word, they scrunch their faces up like a little rat. I noticed you doing it when you were looking at one of the “Learn English” advertisements on the bus. That’s a lot of tension for your face and probably why you’re getting the headaches. Don’t be shy about asking someone around you the meaning of a word instead of trying to figure it out all by yourself.
Well, I guess that’s all. I really hope this was helpful.
Best friends forever,