thisisnotreallyablogforreal
Friday, June 10, 2005
Dear Ben Wallace,
Hi, I just wanted to write and say great game last night. I know you guys kind of lost, but I thought you played really well. It was just a tough game you know cause that Ginobili dude was like everywhere and every time you guys missed a shot he would take the ball and start dribbling the other way. Not fun. I mean I’m no basketball expert or anything. I did use to watch the Pistons all the time though— when they wore those short shorts, and were called the “Bad Boys,” and I played that Bill Lambeer Combat video game—sorry, I digress. I’m writing because I think we should go out on a date.
I know you’re probably thinking,“Hello? I’m Ben Wallace, I’m a professional basketball star, why would I want to date a relatively unknown female comedian living in NYC?” Listen, I’m sure you get hit on by lots of hot women, but I’m not some vapid, accessory just interested in your money. No, I’m a lot of fun, and I promise that in between wild sex we won’t stare off into space unable to communicate with each other and both wishing we were by ourselves eating takeout. Yeah, it will be wild Ben, don’t let the good little Jewish girl image fool you. I’m a freakin’ animal, and I think
my independent spirit,
coupled with your incredible arm span and overall strength
would equal some good times.
Ok, scratch the wild sex. I think you’re married, and I’m not the kind of girl to canoodle with men who are in committed relationships. Ok Ben here’s the deal. My brother’s getting married in a couple of weeks and I was hoping you would be my date for the wedding. Again, I know you’re thinking, “What’s in it for me?” Hmmm. Well, I did promise a couple dudes in the past that they would get my brother’s wedding weekend and a threesome as part of a package deal, so I’m willing to extend that offer to you as well (providing your wife is down with it of course). So what do you say? I just know my parents would be so proud of me if I got a professional NBA star to dance the Hora with them on this joyous occasion. Plus, I’ve dated a lot of short/effeminate men in the past and I need to bring home someone that will solidify my heterosexuality once and for all.
Also, I know it must be hard working in such a competitive environment surrounded by men who are just as tall and just as strong as you, that’s why I think you’d love partying with the Jewish people. My tallest family member is 5’7’’! You would so be the man!
The wedding’s on the 25th, and it’s in Detroit! I know you’re probably really busy with this whole basketball championship thing, but hey, you deserve a night off and some free food right? Ok, so please e-mail me mindy@mindyraf.com and I’ll send you details. I’m so excited about our potential one night relationship and I promise I’ll wear heels so we can slow dance.
Love,
Mindy
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I know you’re probably thinking,“Hello? I’m Ben Wallace, I’m a professional basketball star, why would I want to date a relatively unknown female comedian living in NYC?” Listen, I’m sure you get hit on by lots of hot women, but I’m not some vapid, accessory just interested in your money. No, I’m a lot of fun, and I promise that in between wild sex we won’t stare off into space unable to communicate with each other and both wishing we were by ourselves eating takeout. Yeah, it will be wild Ben, don’t let the good little Jewish girl image fool you. I’m a freakin’ animal, and I think
my independent spirit,
coupled with your incredible arm span and overall strength
would equal some good times.
Ok, scratch the wild sex. I think you’re married, and I’m not the kind of girl to canoodle with men who are in committed relationships. Ok Ben here’s the deal. My brother’s getting married in a couple of weeks and I was hoping you would be my date for the wedding. Again, I know you’re thinking, “What’s in it for me?” Hmmm. Well, I did promise a couple dudes in the past that they would get my brother’s wedding weekend and a threesome as part of a package deal, so I’m willing to extend that offer to you as well (providing your wife is down with it of course). So what do you say? I just know my parents would be so proud of me if I got a professional NBA star to dance the Hora with them on this joyous occasion. Plus, I’ve dated a lot of short/effeminate men in the past and I need to bring home someone that will solidify my heterosexuality once and for all.
Also, I know it must be hard working in such a competitive environment surrounded by men who are just as tall and just as strong as you, that’s why I think you’d love partying with the Jewish people. My tallest family member is 5’7’’! You would so be the man!
The wedding’s on the 25th, and it’s in Detroit! I know you’re probably really busy with this whole basketball championship thing, but hey, you deserve a night off and some free food right? Ok, so please e-mail me mindy@mindyraf.com and I’ll send you details. I’m so excited about our potential one night relationship and I promise I’ll wear heels so we can slow dance.
Love,
Mindy
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