thisisnotreallyablogforreal

Hi. I just wanted to write and let you know that I think you’re a bubbly fraud. Don’t be upset. I don’t have anything against you personally, I just don’t like you.

I was flipping through channels late one night after making out with a guy at a bar I was hoping to secure for my own, when I stumbled upon your show on the Food Network. Now, I’ve never cooked anything before besides eggs. (I’ve tried Minute Rice three times, and each attempt resulted in a large, rubbery ball of carbohydrates) So, I was about to flip the channel when all of the sudden you said,

“This is so easy, anyone can do it. It’s a great way to impress your company, and it only takes 30 minutes!”

Maybe it was the sassy way you grabbed the pre-washed Portobello mushrooms from the fridge, or the way you giggled at one of your own jokes. I don’t know, but after watching your show, I decided I would attempt to make Portobello Burgers with Roasted Pepper Paste and Smoked Mozzarella, Pasta Salad with Broccolini and Ricotta Salata, and a Tomato & Onion Salad.

Thirty minutes my ass Rachael Ray! I did everything you did on your show. I even had a mini trash can on the counter to save elimination time. It took me FOUR HOURS! That’s NOT including shopping time. (Did you really expect me to know that a shallot was a type of onion?!)

You should be ashamed of yourself for LYING to the American people. We both know it takes you more than 30 minutes to prepare those meals. FOUR HOURS! You’re just lucky the guy stood me up and I didn’t have to feed him the Roasted Pepper Paste which tasted like old socks.

How do you sleep at night?

I hope to hear back from you.

Sincerely,
Mindy Raf
mindy@mindyraf.com

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I don't know if Rachael Ray will ever see this letter. I don't think she reads the Comical, where it was published, or is an avid reader of my website. Then again, you never know.
Rachel, are you reading this?!
Are you?!
"anyone can do it."
Like old socks!!!
LIAR!