thisisnotreallyablogforreal

Last month some frinds of mine were telling me how one of their friends is dating a girl who is “almost legally retarded.” Although I don’t like to use the word retarded as an adjective, I was a little curious.

What do you guys mean she’s “almost legally retarded?”

Ok Mindy, ask me a question. Any question.

(I decide to play along)

What do you do for a living?

(he takes long pause probably about 25 seconds)

I . . .ah

(another pause, he fidgets with the lapel of his shirt, then looks perplexed as if he’s trying to add a lot of big numbers in his head)

I . . .ah

(he bites his lip, and then answers the question as if he’s asking me if it’s correct)

I work in sales?

Oh, so she’s a little slow?

No, she’s unable to process facts and respond. She’s basically disabled.

************

Well this weekend I think I met one of the her relatives.

I’m at a holiday party at a friend’s house. I head to kitchen to grab a green and red Jello shot from the refrigerator.

Guy: Hey!
Me: Hey. Want a Jello shot?
Guy: Right on!
(I hand him one)
Guy: Excellent. So, what’s up?
Me: Well, I’m just grabbing a drink at a party, that’s what’s up.
Guy: Yeah, totally. That’s what’s up. Right on. You from Jersey?
Me: Nope.
Guy: Long Island?
Me: No
Guy: Upstate?
Me: No
Guy: Connecticut
Me: Nope
Guy: Boston?
Me: Do you want to just tell you where I’m from?
Guy: Well, there aren’t that many left so . . .
Me: ( I look at him quizzically) You’ve only named about four states.
Guy: Duh, but a majority of the people in the world live on the east coast so, you know?
Me: (oh no, this is going to be bad) Yeah. Ok. . .
Guy: Ok, I give up. What area are you from, like what section?
Me: I’m from the Midwest section .
Guy: Ohio!
Me: No.
Guy: Indiana?
Me: No
Guy: Wisconsin?
Me: Nope.
Guy: Well, that about covers it you little liar.
Me: (I peak out of the kitchen looking for a lifeboat.) I’m from Michigan.
Guy: Dude, that’s not the Midwest!
Me: Yes, I believe it is.
Guy: Nuh uh. Michigan is, like, the South.
Me: No, no Michigan is NOT "like, the South."
Guy: Well it’s south of New York right?
Me: Well . . . yes . . . but—
Guy: So hello?! You’re a tricky little girl.
Me: Yeah . . .well it was nice to me—
Guy: You going home for the holidays?
Me: No, not gong home.
Guy: Why not?
Me: Well, we don’t really celebrate Christmas and it doesn’t make senses to fly home when it’s so expensive when they are other holidays I’d rather be home for so—
Guy: What do you mean you don’t celebrate Christmas?
Me: Well, I’m Jewish.
Guy: So . . .
Me: So most Jewish people don’t do the whole Christmas thing.
Guy: Well I have Jewish friend and he celebrates Christmas.
Me: Oh. Well . . .
Guy: Actaully no his mom's not Jewish. His dad's Jewish. Or is uncle. Yeah, his parents aren't Jewish his uncle's Jewish. Or no, mabye his uncle married a Jewish girl. Yeah, that's right. His aunt is Jewish.
Me: Very cool. Wel I’m going head on back so-
Guy: So, why don’t you guys celebrate Christmas what’s the big deal? It’s the best!
Me: I know! It’s awesome! But, see, Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus and so my family doesn’t really feel the need to . . . ( I feel as if I’m attempting to explain thermodynamics to Jessica Simpson) celebrate his birthday.
Guy: Oh. So you and your family don’t think he was real?
Me: Umm. . .well no, I mean I’m not denying he was a real person—
Guy: So why wouldn’t you celebrate his birth if you think he’s real? Especailly when Christmas is like the BEST holiday ever?
(Okay Mindy, keep it simple. How would you explain this to a five year old? Talk really slow)
Me: Well a lot people in history were real. In fact, there are whole lot of people in history and in the world right now that exist and are real, but see you can’t celebrate EVERYONE'S birthday in such a BIG way because . . . well, that would be way too much celebrating. So, you have to choose and most Jewish people . . .ah don’t . . . choose Jesus.
(Worst holiday party small talk EVER)
Guy: Oh, okay. Cool beans.
Me: Cool beans.
(I attempt to escape)
Guy: So do you have a Christmas tree?
Me: Nope.
Guy: Do you get Christmas presents?
Me: Nope.
Guy: Did you do the whole Santa thing when you were little?
Me: Nope.
Guy: So, like, you just don’t celebrate Christmas.
Me: Yup.
Guy: Oh. That’s fucked up.
Me: Well, religion is really . . . complicated.
Guy: Yeah. For sure, for sure, for sure. You’re tight. You’re wicked tight.
Me: Thank you?
Guy: So what about Easter? You celebrate Easter?