thisisnotreallyablogforreal

is my new favorite website.

I can’t seem to get enough of it.

Perhaps because it makes me feel dangerous; as if I am capable of horrific, violent things.

At first I thought it was a joke, but there’s a paypal icon.

People are donating money.

It has to be a parody right?

It has to be.

Or maybe I'm just a heartless, soulless, eat everything kind of person.

I found it through the address of a very nice fan e-mail.

I am enraptured, yet confused.

What do you guys think?

Dear Mindy,
First i need to say that i'm only 13 but for (just saying) im a god damn pervert. I watch porn proly as much as some god dam college ass who is too fucking lazy to hit the beach for some chick and tried to get laid. Well any ways i've been going out with my girl friend for 4 months. I mean were moving at a steady pace (hell maybe if i keep it up i wont be a virgin this summer) any ways my friend likes my girl friend (i can see why he he). Unfortantly for me he is cooler than i am. This scares the shit out of my cause i dont want her to ditch me for his fucking ass. Please help.
P.S. I have no clue how i got on to your site.
Thanks, a perv in the making.

I can't . . .

I just can't . . .

There are so many things that disturb me about this e-mail.
I don't know where to begin.
Sex, perv, porn thing aside, the boy wrote, "any ways" twice!
And this was sent to ME, to MY inbox, with a "Dear Mindy,"
MY name.
I feel dirty all over.

Dye her hair red?

Dye her hair blue?

Cut her hair short?

Shave her head?

Get a villa and move to Italy?

Convert to Christianity and do missionary work in England?

Marry the guy who proposed to her on the 4 train last night and then peed a little on his seat?

Have a lemonade stand outside her apt every Saturday morning to help pay her utilities?

Learn Mandarin?

Write a series of stand-up jokes that start out, “The difference between white people and black people is . . .” and then perform them at open-mics?

Write a series of stand-up jokes that start out, “The funny thing about midgets is . . .” and then perform them inside Grand Central with my own mic and amp?

Train to become a prima ballerina?

Re-visit her passion for figure skating at an indoor arena in Long Island?

Have her ball and shoes shipped to NYC from MI and join a bowling league?

Train to be a professional bowler?

Saunter around Central Park all day, every day, in her bikini while listening to popular music on her ipod?

Start a band, play places, get lots of fans, make a CD, get record deal but then reject it cause she's better than that and she did it for the music, and for the love?

Eat nothing but popcorn and Tasti-Delight and whither away to like 95 pounds and when everyone is like, “Mindy, you look so thin” She'll be like, “I know, I only eat popcorn and Tasti-delight?”

(Ok that last one was purely to make fun of a girl I overheard on the subway yesterday morning. Who, after making that statement about popcorn and Tasti-D said to her friend:
“What if earphones didn’t go in your ears? What if they went in your nose?”)

Start a summer sports camp for unattractive adults?

So I’m hanging out with some comics sometime last summer. We’re drinking beer, sharing stories, talking about how we got into comedy and why etc., and everyone agreed that there has to be a reason why someone would choose to express themselves through humor. Something painful, negative, and horrific had to occur in order for one to want to masochistically tell “jokes” to strangers for little or no money. So, they asked me, “Mindy, what’s your story, what’s your thing?” I quickly delved deep into my childhood hoping to stumble upon a dramatic and abusive memory, but I came up with nothing.
Nothing that is, until now. That’s right, now I know why I do comedy.
Now, I finally know.








This dress. This hot pink-skin tight-4 inch wide shoulders- dress that I wore to MULTIPLE Bar Mitzahs during my formative years (with dyed shoes to match) is why I ended up doing comedy.

I went to un-subscribe to one of the many religious internet groups that somehow got a hold of every e-mail I have, and received this lovely message in my inbox:

"We never wish to have a friend leave but we
do honor and respect your wishes.
Before You Un-subscribe, Remember, We Truly Love You.
No Matter What. And the difference is, we really mean it !"

A little desperate are we?!

"Oh please don't leave us Mindy, we love you. We are the only ones who TRULY love you. You're rabbi doesn’t love you, your mother doesn't love you, your ex-boyfriend said he loved you but he didn't really mean it, and we REALLY mean it!"

Nice try Christianity, but I don't respond to that Schmalz*. Gimme a little rough love, a little indifference,a little infidelity and then I'll crawl back to you and beg you to love me, REALLY love me.

*Schmalz: Yiddish. Literal translation: chicken fat.Commonly used to define things that contain an excessive amount of sentiment.

Dear person who submitted my e-mail address to multiple Jesus related internet groups,

Listen, I'm flattered that you want me to be a part of the posse, but you're wasting your time. When I was little my parents tried to get me to clean my room through a type of reward system. It didn't work. I don’t respond to the whole, act this way now you'll be rewarded in the future type of logic, especially when the future is synonymous with my death.

Also, it's kind of cruel to send a girl an e-mail with "He's Watching You and He Loves You" in the subject line when she's been previously stalked. Not cool. Good strategy though. I was scared shitless when I opened my mail this morning, and when I found out it was Jesus watching me and not that guy I used to date who collected knives he bought off QVC, I felt the kind of joy that I'm sure only God could give.

By this point you're probably thinking,

"Mindy is a sin-filled bitch"

"It was wrong of me to use Jesus to try to get inside her pants."

"Jews are evil and they deserve to burn for eternity."

And two out of three ain't bad, but please don't add my e-mail address to any more groups unless they involve free-food, coupons I can print out to get free food, free stuff, coupons I can print out to get free stuff, or invitations to join prestigious Mary-Kate /Ashley Olsen fan clubs.

Barrels and barrels of secular love,

Mindy

As you all know, thisisnotreallyablogforreal/mindyraf.com is always up to date on the latest in news and pop culture. Mindy writes for the masses and she realizes that so very few blogs out there cover news and popular entertainment. That's why Mindy has decided to sporadically treat her readers to yummy, top secret headlines before they're made public.



Britney Spears is Pregnant!




OMG! I am freaking out right now you guys. OMG! This like changes my whole week. I have SOO many amazing things to say about this, I mean it really is like the kinda news that I care about cause you know, I mean, you know??!!!
K, well I have to go write some awesome jokes about this for my stand-up act now.
So excited!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

And sorry you guys, but I can't reveal my sources and you're welcome!

was that guy playing video games on his laptop while sitting outside in the park?

did I choose to take a bite of my lamb shwarma sandwich just as the vegan lady started handing out her info pamphlets?

is that woman, with the large breasts, running without a bra?

did I stop my run to gawk at her?

do women wear designer tube tops dresses while attempting to play frisbee?

do women wear designer tube top dresses to the park?

do women wear designer tube top dresses?

did I go up to the guy playing video games on his laptop and say, “I really hope you're playing a video game that simulates what it feels like to spend time socializing outdoors?

did the guy playing video games on his laptop call me a cunt.

linking me to an archived post of one Alex Blagg. They thought I might “enjoy reading his rant on Stephanie Klein” because of my earlier post and added,
"I know you write humor type stuff, but are you offended when people diss female bloggers who write about men n stuff?"”

First off, although I thought his posts about Klein were absolutely hilarious, I don’t have anything against her, I’ve never met her, and I wasn’t trying to be mean. I just don’t think someone can get away with having a “gratuitous pictures of me” link on their website unless the person is funny or making fun of themselves or . . .is funny.

(If you’re reading this and you're the one who keeps sending me e-mails with 'bitch' and 'mindyisabitch.com' in the subject line because of that post, get a life. I know it’s all the same gmail account. After your third e-mail, the matching syntax and grammar kinda gave you away.)

That being said, yes obviously my columns are fiction/humor/satire and not literal snapshots of my life, and no I wasn't offeneded. I actaully thought his blog (what I read so far anyway) was really funny. I don't get offeneded after reading other people's opinions especially when they've got nothing to do with me. Besides,the worst thing anyone can do, especially someone who writes for strangers on the internet, is to take themselves too seriously. So I hope that's the end of my "hate mail," and I also hope, someday, to own horned-rimmed glasses and an ibook.

On a totally unrelated note:
Someone out there took the time to count the number of
fucks vs. cocksuckers in deadwood.
I'm very impressed.

I had dinner with some friends in Park Slope last weekend. Whenever I hang out there I always feel as if I’m going to be discovered; as if someone is going to run up to me and say, “I know you live on the Upper East Side, you make me sick.”

When I first moved from Michigan to NYC, my only goal was to find my own bedroom, within my budget, in a neighborhood where I felt safe walking home from the subway at night. I knew each borough had its' own personality, but I deemed New York too vast to define myself by my cross streets, and didn’t take that much into consideration.

I digress.

I’d now like to share a conversation I had with a random local as I was leaving the restaurant.
*******************************************
Mindy: I really like your cell phone cover.

(she looks me up and down and then glares at me the way a vegetarian might look at her neighbors’ chicken )

Non-conformist: oh, you like it? Really?

Mindy: yeah, it’s so fun. It’s all sequiny.

NC: I used to like it, but now they sell it at Urban Outfitters, and so EVERYONE has it.

Mindy: Whatever, it's still cute. I mean who cares. This purse is from the GAP.

(The gig was up the minute the ‘Pah’ sound from ‘GAP’ left my lips. The non-conformist smirks at my banal, corduroy, sale item accessory and then looks at me with a knowing smile)

NC: Ya live here?

Mindy: No, I live on the Upper East Side.

NC: Yeah, that’s what I thought.
******************************************
Ok I will admit the UES is one big Caucasian, GAP advertisement come to life, but who cares.



And the reason she knew those cell phone covers were being sold at Urban Outfitters is because that’s where she bought her twenty-three dollar
faded “vintage” slogan t-shirt!






I’m actually moving in June. Does anyone have any leads on available 2 bedroom apartments located in boroughs that will make me feel like I’m atypically awesome?

Yesterday I overheard three tweens rating guys.

Tubetop.wearing.look.at.my.brand.new.breasts.girl:
Ok, so how bout that guy? I give him a 6.

The.reason.I.have.so.much.acne.is.cause.I.wear.too.much.foundation.girl: No way, what is even so wrong with you?! He’s a hot, hottie boy. He’s a nine.

I’m.not.as.pretty.as.my.other.two.friends.
but.they.let.me.hang.out.with.them.cause.my.parents.have.a.
place.in.the.hamptons.girl:
Yeah, for sure.

Tubetop:
I bet he has a huge cock

I almost chocked on my food. These girls were, at the most, twelve years old! I don’t know about any of the women reading this, and I’m not judging or anything, but I did not talk about the size of men’s cocks when I was 12 years old!
When I was 12, I was learning my haftorah portion and hoping that someone would asked me to dance when the DJ yelled "snowball" at my bat mitzvah.
When I was 12, I was felt up/down at a movie theatre and considered myself "fast."
When I was 12, a classmate of mine whipped his penis out of his gym shorts and thrust it in my direction after I kicked his ass in soccer, and I almost threw up.

I continued to eat, edging myself a little closer to table. The girls went on to talk about things like “giving head,” and “the taste of cum.” Sentences like, “I’ve gone down on 5 guys,” and “Chris just,like, pokes at me, it’s weird” were uttered. Now I am not a prude when it comes to these subjects and I am all about women being proud of their sexuality and not being ashamed to discuss these kinds of things, but these were 12 year old GIRLS!

This has to bother some of you, right? I’m sure some of you guys have younger sisters or cousins around this age, and I’m sure most of you probably saw the Oprah special about the 11 year old girls who blew guys in the bathrooms at school.

Well, let me just say that watching a television special is nothing compared to having its’ subjects sitting at the next table.

Subject: List
To:mindy@mindyraf.com

From:["XXX XXX" ]


Hello mindy I'm a 17 year old disgruntled whore, as well as a man. Is
it wrong that I may have "accidently" made out with (aka possibly spread herpes to) one of my friends girlfriend? Oh and by the way I'm legal on July 28th wink wink.
Much love.
--[X]

I’m just going to assume it’s a joke and that there isn’t a 17 year old boy out there spreading herpes around his high school and counting down the days till he can give it to me.

February 25 1991

Dear Diary,

One more day til the weekend. Friday. I can’t wait. I hate school. It’s so hard. Middle school is sooo much harder than Pine Lake. Our block class has to have a certain number of points or we can’t go to the wave pool for the end of the year. Heather and Laura told me that my jeans were “jean colored stretch pants” and not real stretch jeans today. No biggie, I still like them. I think that girls just put other girls down cause they’re insecure and stupid. I just ate a whole turkey. I feel really gross I think we were supposed to have it tonight at family dinner. Oh well, hopefully my mom made a lot of side dishes. I finished off the challah bread too. I can’t stop eating.

Yesterday I wore my brand new tan daisy duke shorts and my brown and crème striped body suit to school. Nadar Ayoub kept asking me if my boobs were “in training” I think he was trying to make a reference to training bras or something but it was really stupid. I hate boys. I’m so sick of wearing big sweaters or sweatshirts to make myself look flatter. I don’t care anymore if people think I stuff my bra.

My dance recital is next week. I’m not nervous. I think I know most of the tap combination already.

I had gym with “you know who” today. He acts like he doesn’t’ even know who I am and it’s so annoying cause just last week we were french kissing for 7 minutes. 8! Boys are so stupid. I’m not gonna get married and spend the rest of my life with a boy! No way! They only want to be with the girls who give blowjobs in the closet anyway and that’s so disgusting. I’m not gonna do that unless I’m married. It’s so sick. I don’t care if I end up alone and stuff I’m not dong that . . .EVER! ewwww.


I just did a jazz dance to Motown Philly and it’s really cool. We do this awesome formation on the part were they do the “ahhhs” and we’re wearing black blazers and jean shorts and we all have different color scrunches. Mine is green.

Ok, gotta go.

Love,
Mindy

I have a piece in this month’s issue of the comical. So, a photographer came by the laugh lounge a couple weeks ago and took some picture of my set. Very high speed, very high resolution. Which, I guess, means he was able to catch me in very unattractive moments. This was one of my favorite pictures. I think I’ll use it if I ever decide to try on-line dating. Or maybe I'll make t-shirts that read:




“Yes, I’m Single”


or


“Waiting to Procreate”


or


“Hot women are overrated”






T-shirt line suggestions anyone?

and you’re supposed to meet up with someone, but you’re on the East Side and they’re on the West Side and both of you are the phone:

“Well why don’t you just come to me”
“No, why don’t YOU come meet me”

And you actually get into an argument about it; about who travels out of their way to see the other person more. So you go home, but then you feel guilty. So, you decide to be the bigger person and head across town, while simultaneously they’re feeling guilty and decide to head across town.

Yeah.

That’s all I have for you guys today: a lame ass story about how I ended up standing outside in the rain last night at 1am.

I just got back into town after spending days, and days, and days sans computer.

I’m still adjusting.

I also apologize because I am really behind on answering e-mails, but I think I can save myself some time now by answering a few general inquiries.

Brown
5’2’’
No, dude I won’t do that.
Red
Beth
I won’t do that either.
University of Michigan
I’ll do that, but not right away.
2 equals, a little skim

HA! I just got some funny hate mail.
"You think I'm small-balled just cause I wasn't interested in you?" Well, fuck you mindy!"
Ha ha ha.
Ok, just to clear things up. I'm sorry if some of the repsonses seem angry or mean, that wasn't my intention at all. And I promise I meant no personal offense to any guys I've dated in the past. Many men have used that line on me before and I just wanted to poke fun at them, plus one my friends boyfriend just used those lines on her and it pissed me off. I meant no offense, really. ok, I'm done.

Dear Mindy . . .part deux
As you all know I am an expert on sex and relationships. When I started writing for collegehumor over a year ago, I was young, naïve, perky, and content. I hooked up with guys in subway stations, I had phone sex with strangers, and I ate whole medium pizzas in one sitting. Thankfully, not a lot has changed.

Upon sorting through my e-mail I realized that it might be time, once again, to respond to some questions. In the past I only responded to the shadiest of inquires because I knew those e-mails would be the most entertaining— I know, how utterly unfair of me. There are tons of normal people who write me with questions and I should include them as well. Ok, maybe not tons, but definitely a whole lot. Ok, maybe not a whole lot, but at least a handful and they deserve to be included. I also realized that don't partake in enough community service type activities and hence decided to be more helpful this time around.

The following questions are from e-mails and the comment section of my blog.
I apologize in advance for not including everyone.

Enjoy.

continue reading column

My Mom’s friend 1: So I heard that Oprah Winfrey broke up with Steadman!

My Mom: No!
Mom’s friends 2,3, and 4: No!
Friend 2: That’s not true.
Friend 4: Impossible.
Friend 3: He was so good to her.
Friend 1: Well, that’s what I heard.
Friend 2: Well, Mindy will know cause she lives in New York.

Everyone at the table stares at me as if I came to the Shower straight from having brunch with Oprah Winfrey. I had no idea. I always thought Oprah was gay; that it was some Rosie, Ellen, Oprah talk show trinity. So, I smile and reply

Mindy: Isn’t Oprah gay?

Now, of course, I was just joking around. I didn't realize at the time that Manhattan habitation turns silly celebrity comments into facts. The table looks at me in shock and before I can invalidate my statement somebody screams, another applauds, and there is a murmuring chorus of “I knew its”

My Mom: I’m so upset I can’t even eat.
Mindy: No, you guys I was just kidding around she’s not—
Friend 3: I bet she’s seeing that Gail producer of hers.
Friend 2: No, she’s married.
Friend 1: I think she’s dating Portia De Rossi!
Friend 4: That’s Ellen girlfriend.
Mom: I love Ellen!
Friends 1-4: Me too!
Mom: Portia De Rossi is too pretty to be a lesbian.(turns to me in shame) Mindy, is that offensive to the community?
Mindy: Mom, I’m NOT gay.
Friend 2: Kitty, she's not Gay.
Friend 3: Does Bob think she's Gay too?
Friend 4: There’s a lot of dental schools in New York Mindy, you’re so cute, you should snag yourself a Jewish dentist.

(murmuring chorus of, “Yes, Absolutley, or a lawyer”)

Mom: Well, I still think Portia De Rossi is too pretty, though Ellen’s not bad looking
Friend 2: I think Ellen's pretty. You don't think she's pretty Kitty?
Mom: Ok, I’ll admit it, I’m a little attracted to Ellen.

All eyes turn towards my mother. Nobody speaks. I decide to break the silene with a witty pun related to making out with a dentist when--

Friend 2: Ellen’s not my type. I would rather be with someone more mysterious like Salma Hayek.
Friend 3: Is she gay?
Friend 2: Julianne Moore is really pretty I’d date her.
Mom/Friends 1, 3 4: Me too!

And that’s how I outed my mom and all of her friends at my sister-in-law’s bridal shower.

but I don't have time today. I didn't plan in advance. So sad. But,the folks at collegehumor.com made a great homepage today. Check it out.