Tuesday, December 27, 2005
See ya in 2006
I need spend of rest of the 2005 away from the Internet, and all the Internet psychos that feel the need to send me negative e-mails.
I've never met you. I don't know you. Leave me alone. Please stop reading my blog and just leave me alone!
To everyone else,
I hope you all have a great New Year.
Last year I spent New Year's Eve in Florida at a giant family reunion for my Auntie Sara's birthday.
We had a party, but had to move the "New Year" down to 10:00pm because half the relatives couldn't stay up until midnight.
What does it say on my grandma's shirt?
"Auntie Sara is 70"
And yes, all forty of us wore those t-shirts out in public.
Friday, December 23, 2005
This is what my mom got my cat Sugar for Chanukah.
And this is a response to an e-mail I received shortly after I posted today.
To the girl who e-mailed me "That's the most evilest thing ever. All cats deserve to die. I hope your cat dies!”
I am so sorry you hate cats, wish death upon my own, and think that 'most evilest' is an acceptable form of communication. I got your e-mail and read the subject "Love the blog!" and I really thought we could be friends. I thought we could start this amazing, long distance friendship, and be pen pals, and party at each others weddings and say things like “we met through my blog. She sent me an e-mail. The Internet is life changing!” Yet, I don’t trust people who hate animals.
Listen, you obviously have some emotional issues to work through. Maybe I can help.
Do your parents love you with cash and not kisses? Did you ex boyfriend refuse to cuddle with you after anal? Did you ballet teacher tell you to “give it up” when you were little? What's wrong? Why do you hate cats?
Perhaps you're the type of person who feels threatened when faced with strong, independently natured beings. Perhaps you say things like, "Die evilest cat, die" as a way to mask your own fragility. Or maybe you just need to hate. Maybe hating is your thing. Yeah, I bet that’s it. I bet you love when your friends say things like "Oh well, [Cassandra,] she hates everything!" I bet that’s your catch phrase: “I hope [insert person/thing] dies!” Or, maybe you want everything to die because, subconsciously, you’re aware that you live a spiritless existence. Okay, that was super harsh. I don’t even know you. Sorry. Thanks so much for being such a loyal reader.
Hugs, Kisses, and Eggnog,
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
What the Bleep Do We Know?!
After flipping through all the stations and ruling out sitcom re-runs, I had a choice between watching some sports guy on Letterman talk about the Colts and other sports-like things— with a passion I save only for talking about food and men—or listening to Carson Daly talk to Jay Leno about holiday shopping and pajamas. So naturally I ruled out both options and I flipped through all the movie channles. I saw that the documentary What the Bleep Do We Know?! had started about 10 minutes ago.
I LOVED this documentary. Yes, at times the fictional narrative was a little cheesy and overacted, but the subject matter was so interesting and the commentators were so insightful that I just had to keep watching. I think it was made in 04 so maybe a lot of you have already seen it, but if you haven’t I highly recommend you do.
I will be the first to admit that I do not fully comprehend things like quantum physics, quantum mechanics, molecular biology etc. Okay, I barely even slightly comprehend things like quantum physics, quantum mechanics, molecular biology etc. and the last thing I would want to do with my time is learn about quantum physic, quantum mechanics, molecular biology etc. but the movie breaks things down and makes these subjects really accessible. Also I think the end of the movie does a great job not only of explaining the power of free thinking but also of defining the human spirit.
At some point in the documentary one of the scientist people said something about how over time all the peptide things that are released into our blood stream from our thoughts mess with our cell receptors and so eventually our cells are effected by our thoughts more than the nutrients we put into our body. (Yeah, I’m obviously paraphrasing). Well I don't know if I interpretd that correctly, but it made me feel so much better about finishing off a medium pizza as I watched the documentary.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Looks aren’t everything
What do you guys mean she’s “almost legally retarded?”
Ok Mindy, ask me a question. Any question.
(I decide to play along)
What do you do for a living?
(he takes long pause probably about 25 seconds)
I . . .ah
(another pause, he fidgets with the lapel of his shirt, then looks perplexed as if he’s trying to add a lot of big numbers in his head)
I . . .ah
(he bites his lip, and then answers the question as if he’s asking me if it’s correct)
I work in sales?
Oh, so she’s a little slow?
No, she’s unable to process facts and respond. She’s basically disabled.
Well this weekend I think I met one of the her relatives.
I’m at a holiday party at a friend’s house. I head to kitchen to grab a green and red Jello shot from the refrigerator.
Me: Hey. Want a Jello shot?
Guy: Right on!
(I hand him one)
Guy: Excellent. So, what’s up?
Me: Well, I’m just grabbing a drink at a party, that’s what’s up.
Guy: Yeah, totally. That’s what’s up. Right on. You from Jersey?
Guy: Long Island?
Me: Do you want to just tell you where I’m from?
Guy: Well, there aren’t that many left so . . .
Me: ( I look at him quizzically) You’ve only named about four states.
Guy: Duh, but a majority of the people in the world live on the east coast so, you know?
Me: (oh no, this is going to be bad) Yeah. Ok. . .
Guy: Ok, I give up. What area are you from, like what section?
Me: I’m from the Midwest section .
Guy: Well, that about covers it you little liar.
Me: (I peak out of the kitchen looking for a lifeboat.) I’m from Michigan.
Guy: Dude, that’s not the Midwest!
Me: Yes, I believe it is.
Guy: Nuh uh. Michigan is, like, the South.
Me: No, no Michigan is NOT "like, the South."
Guy: Well it’s south of New York right?
Me: Well . . . yes . . . but—
Guy: So hello?! You’re a tricky little girl.
Me: Yeah . . .well it was nice to me—
Guy: You going home for the holidays?
Me: No, not gong home.
Guy: Why not?
Me: Well, we don’t really celebrate Christmas and it doesn’t make senses to fly home when it’s so expensive when they are other holidays I’d rather be home for so—
Guy: What do you mean you don’t celebrate Christmas?
Me: Well, I’m Jewish.
Guy: So . . .
Me: So most Jewish people don’t do the whole Christmas thing.
Guy: Well I have Jewish friend and he celebrates Christmas.
Me: Oh. Well . . .
Guy: Actaully no his mom's not Jewish. His dad's Jewish. Or is uncle. Yeah, his parents aren't Jewish his uncle's Jewish. Or no, mabye his uncle married a Jewish girl. Yeah, that's right. His aunt is Jewish.
Me: Very cool. Wel I’m going head on back so-
Guy: So, why don’t you guys celebrate Christmas what’s the big deal? It’s the best!
Me: I know! It’s awesome! But, see, Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus and so my family doesn’t really feel the need to . . . ( I feel as if I’m attempting to explain thermodynamics to Jessica Simpson) celebrate his birthday.
Guy: Oh. So you and your family don’t think he was real?
Me: Umm. . .well no, I mean I’m not denying he was a real person—
Guy: So why wouldn’t you celebrate his birth if you think he’s real? Especailly when Christmas is like the BEST holiday ever?
(Okay Mindy, keep it simple. How would you explain this to a five year old? Talk really slow)
Me: Well a lot people in history were real. In fact, there are whole lot of people in history and in the world right now that exist and are real, but see you can’t celebrate EVERYONE'S birthday in such a BIG way because . . . well, that would be way too much celebrating. So, you have to choose and most Jewish people . . .ah don’t . . . choose Jesus.
(Worst holiday party small talk EVER)
Guy: Oh, okay. Cool beans.
Me: Cool beans.
(I attempt to escape)
Guy: So do you have a Christmas tree?
Guy: Do you get Christmas presents?
Guy: Did you do the whole Santa thing when you were little?
Guy: So, like, you just don’t celebrate Christmas.
Guy: Oh. That’s fucked up.
Me: Well, religion is really . . . complicated.
Guy: Yeah. For sure, for sure, for sure. You’re tight. You’re wicked tight.
Me: Thank you?
Guy: So what about Easter? You celebrate Easter?
Friday, December 16, 2005
The 25 days of Chanukah
It’s not my fault. Holiday parties have open bars, spiked eggnog is so much better than what they sell at Starbucks, and men and women alike are always stuffing cash down my shirt whenever I go out; I have to get rid of that money somehow and I don’t do drugs. Listen I’m not going out and drinking for me. No, I don’t do it for me. I do it to celebrate the most important and religiously significant Jewish holiday ever, Chanukah! Also, running around the streets of New York in the pouring rain at 2am asking strangers, “Is there a strike? Did they strike? Happy 25 days of Chanukah!” is a great way to meet fellow New Yorkers and perhaps catch the flu.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Mindy hearts Oreuis
This type of whispered conversation during a movie is never a good sign.
Me: Is that Liam Neeson's voice?
Brian: Yeah. Shhhh.
Me: Oh, I like him, he's "ugly sexy"
Brian: Ugly sexy?
Me: Yeah, like, sexy guys who aren’t sterotypical hot.
Brian: Oh. Shhhhh.
Me: Like Adrian Brody.
Brian: Oh. Shhhhh.
Me: Adrian Brody is ugly sexy.
Brian: Okay, shhhhh.
Me: Was that dude before supposed to be Santa Claus?
Brian: I think so. Shhhhh.
Me: These kids might be ugly sexy, but it's too soon to tell.
Me: Oh! A Centaur!
Me: Centaurs are ugly sexy.
Me: He’s kind of hot for a horse. Good looks, free transportation, and well hung! Do you know who that actor is? I bet he’s really hot without all the Narnia make-up on and that horse body.
Me: Sorry, I'm bored.
I played Lucy in a community theatre production when I was 9 years old, so I have some nostolgic ties to the movie. It was my first play. I thought the movie was just as exciting as our stage version back in Michigan.
The movie was visually stunning, yet disappointing overall; like a lot of the guys I've dated.
I was going to write a great review of it with pictures and everything, but then I came across this review (via Alex Blagg ) that accurately represented my sentiments.
The Post Show's last video of the season is up. Go watch it.
When Jason and Brian told me the premise I tried to act all offended and girly and say things like:
"Oh my god you guys that's terrible!" and "You are So sick. Ewww"
But instead I was like,
"Brilliant!! Please, please, please cast me as a younger sister so I can put XXX Santa Video on my resume!"
Alas, Mike and his rosey cheeks gets to put XXX Santa Video on his resume.
I guess that's a good thing though. I would start getting typecasted if my resume had XXX Santa Video AND Bukkake Rooster Trailer on it.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Then it all comes back to you:
The four large drinks full of gin that your friend made you at his apartment.
You saying, "These taste like juice. . .mmmm, yummy."
Leaving the private room that your party is in and going into another room and attempting to make small talk.
Me: I'm glad I’m up here and not down there; the dance floor looks claustrophobic.
Random Woman: Girl, I want lick your salty Israeli pussy.
Getting into a fight with a bouncer as you are leaving the club and screaming in front of about 100 people,
"Don't call me a bitch! I can stand here if I want to stand here! I'm waiting for my friend to get her coat! Why are you such a cunt!"
Ah, and the holidays are just beginning.
Friday, December 09, 2005
The Sex Lottery
Once my mom joined the Internet bandwagon there was no stopping her. I’ll never forget the e-mail I received in November, my sophomore year of college:
Subject: Kitty has sent you an e-vite!
Kitty’s Thanksgiving Bash!
You are invited to spend this Thanksgiving with Kitty, Bob, Sugar, Cookie, Mocha, and Fudge [our cats].
Please join us for a dinner around 6PM
Please select items from the attached menu that you would like to nosh on during the weekend.
Hope you all can make it!
[the only people on the e-vite were my brother, my sister and I]
Yes, I’ll be there: 3
See you soon. Stop sending me forwards.
So once my mom got sick of sending e-vites, she started sending e-cards.
I probably get about a couple e-cards from her a month. Some of them are holiday appropriate: (dancing turkeys, dancing menorahs, dancing matzahs,) some of them she finds on her own and thinks are funny, and others she gets from friends. Most of them are pretty stupid, really corny, or extremely raunchy.
I’m not sure if this is real or I’m making it up, but I vaguely remember her sending me an e-card entitled, "Holy Crap" (an animation of Jesus taking a dump.)
This is what she sent me last year on Halloween.
Yes, the word poo is in the link, get excited.
And this is what she sent me last night:
I saw the link and knew it was going to be bad. Condoms? Movie? Oh no.
Okay so I don't have speakers on this computer so I've only viewed this in silence, but I'm 100 percent positive it’s a really bad song parody.
I did enjoy the animation though. At one point in the song a stick figure is shaking his animated balls, while another laments over his anal sores.
As I’m watching, I'm thinking to myself why is my mom sending me an e-card about STD's and sex? Why? Why? Why?!
Then at the end of the song, in big bold letters:
"DON'T PLAY THE SEX LOTTERY.
USE A CONDOM."
Thanks mom! This is so much more hip than what you said when I was home for Thanksgiving recently.
"Mindy I don't think it's slutty if girls carry rubbers on their person. You should always have rubbers on you, that way if you're tempted, you'll be protected."
So Happy First Big Snow NYC, wear your rubbers!
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Come back tomorrow
So, I'll leave you with these pictures of my mom and dad.
This is why I moved to NYC right after college.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Rachel Kramer Bussel writes a column, Lusty Lady, for the Village Voice and her latest subject was rape fantasy.
I met Rachel at a party recently and contributed a little on the topic. She actually ended up using a couple of my "fantasies" in the column. I guess I was the only woman who didn't fantasize about getting raped, but rather the reverse. It's really interesting to me that more women don't find the role of the aggressor more appealing.
Anyway, Rachel's a great writer, and the
column is really well done.
On a totally unrelated note, it's my half birthday this Friday!
Readers' Response: Whoo hoo! Party! Amazing! Half birthday’s Rock! You go girl!
So I’m having contest entitled,
"WHO IS GOING TO WHISK MINDY AWAY TO A TROPICAL ISLAND FOR HER HALF BIRTHDAY?"
Do you carry a gun or a large knife on your person?
Do you keep roofies in your pocket when you head out to the bar?
Do you think knock, knock jokes are an acceptable way to pass the time on the plane?
Do you think consuming food is an unacceptable way to pass the time in general?
Do you snore?
If you answered yes to any of the above, sorry you are not eligible to participate in the contest.
Everyone else, good luck!
Monday, December 05, 2005
I really don’t like E! News.
So here’s the “News:"
Paris Hilton is changing her catch phrase from “that’s hot” to “that’s sexy.”
I am proud to say that this news is completely irrelevant to my existence. I zoned out for the rest of the Paris Hilton thing, but I did enjoy the end when they showed a picture of her hosting a party and said,
“Looks like you can now add hostess to this girls resume.”
Very clever E! News. Very clever!
I would love to see a copy of Paris Hilton’s resume though.
Being Hot: birth to December 2005
Being Sexy: present day to ?
Owned a dog: present day to ?
Owned a kinkajou: once in 2005
Low Budget Porn Star: once in 2004
Hostess: December of 2005
The other important story that morning was about jeans.
According to some fashion person, “Skinny jeans” are “really IN this season.”
Oops, I guess I am not IN this year when it comes to jeans considering that I consumed 5 beers, a cheeseburger, and a side of fries at Bistro Burger at 3AM on Saturday night.
I don’t think I would ever try on a pair of “skinny jeans.” If they didn’t fit I would be offended, and then I would have a complex, and then I wouldn’t enjoy myself as much when I was consuming 5 beers, a cheeseburger, and a side of fries at 3AM. But hey, if any of you ladies reading this actually own a pair of “skinny jeans,” the fashion person suggests that you pair them up with a little slip top.
A slip top??!! But Mindy, it’s 30 degrees outside and snowing!! I know, that’s why the fashion person suggested that you “throw on a wrap” when it gets cold outside.
Wrap: a small piece of fuzzy fabric that covers your shoulders and half your arms.
So, of course, I ran out of the house right then and there and bought, like, 100 slip tops.
You can NEVER have enough slip tops in the dead of winter. NEVER.
hmmm . . .what else was news worthy?
Some magazine person said that Lindsay Lohan has a “transient, fickle style.” I don’t think the magazine girl has any idea what that means. Or, maybe she wanted to imply that Lindsay Lohan changes her style a lot, but she wanted to be redundant AND try to sound smart.
But what was the deal breaker sentence that made me run for my Ipod so I could finish making my breakfast sans E!?
“Coming up next, we’ll show you how to get your doggie red carpet ready.”
The Post Show’s got a new sketch up and I look really HOT in it. Check it out.
I just realized that some people will read this post, but they won’t click on the sketch and just think that I’m really conceited. Oh well, your loss. WATCH THE VIDEO
Friday, December 02, 2005
A short letter to Jessica Simpon’s Ass
I read in some magazines that you're single now. Good for you! Soon you'll be squeezed and pinched and slapped and invaded by many unfamiliar men. I hope you enjoy this time in your life, hold yourself up high, and just go with the flow.
Thank you for being you.
The post show has a new sketch out. My computer can’t capture pictures, but I promise there’s partial nudity.
eebmore.batiblogs.com just e-mailed me a pic of brian's "junk."
Thursday, December 01, 2005
For Kitty and Mindy Fans
This is Kitty Raf (before she
lost her virginity in her bikini)
It's amazing to think that five months ago she was connected to tubes and bags, and IVs, when just last week she was doing what she does best: cooking for thirty and feeding about ten.
Mallory and Holly are the founders/co-presidents of my Fan Club.
They came to NYC to see a show and I finally got to meet them. They're delicious girls.
I would now like to extend a personal invitation to "Rick Slade," "Just Mike" and the other guy who just wrote me (Jim, I think) to join my fan club on MySpace.