thisisnotreallyablogforreal

MindyRaf.com

2010-07-27T09:52:00.004-06:00

Go to my site for updated info!

Or read some old posts here.

Holiday Song

2009-12-14T07:40:00.002-07:00

For last 12 Days of Kickstarter Project it's
The 12 Days of Leibyakah!
A new Leibyakah gift for backers every day!

The Wombsie!

2009-12-07T10:04:00.004-07:00

New Reward!

The next 10 people to donate 25 or more get a wombsie! These are one-of-a-kind homemade adult full body pajamas that make you feel like you're back in the uterine lining again!

Here's what Leibya Rogers has to say about them:

"You guys, I make these myself and I assure you that when you put them on you will travel back to the womb. Get back that lost feeling of security and warmth. One night inside my Wombsie will probably save you thousands of dollars in therapy and perscription meds. Please go to Kickstarter and pledge something towards my vinyl album." -Leibya Rogers

Let's Make A Comedy Record Together!

2009-11-09T10:51:00.002-07:00

Please see below. New (and I promise updated!!!!!) blog on the way.
xxoxoxoxoxo
-Mindy

Hello,

I'm recording and pressing 500 copies of a live comedy album on vinyl. Performing as my comedic, chick rockin, alter-ego, Leibya Rogers. I'm teaming up with Kickstarter.com to raise funds, and I'd love your support!!

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/mindyraf/lets-make-a-comedy-album-together

If you're able to back the project at any amount, that would be awesome. (even a dollar, every donation is so appreciated) Also, you don't give something for nothing. When you become a backer of the project you get rewarded, for $1 you get tickets to the live show and a CD of the album, $12 you get your own copy of the record, $19 you get a personalized haiku thank you, for $39 a thank you in the liner notes, free downloads. etc. etc. Plus more rewards are being added, including a personalized video for each and every backer.
Thank you for helping to fund and spread the word!

-Mindy

Donate:

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/mindyraf/lets-make-a-comedy-album-together

I want . . .

2009-03-13T11:46:00.006-06:00

footie pajamas. I want purple velvet footie pajamas!

Because clearly footie pajamas make people feel happy.

and sexy.

If I had footie pajamas, I'd make bedroom eyes at everyone I met 24/7.

And . . .

If I had a dog, I'd dress her in footie pajamas too!

(the dog's name is mindee!)

Just wanted to put that out there.

Happy March!

2009-03-01T13:31:00.003-07:00

Here are some newish videos I hope you enjoy watching More coming soon!

And for those in NYC, please save the date April 2, 2009.
9:30 PM
Leibya Fair: a one Leibya Show
at the PIT!

Also will be coming to Boston, LA, and San Fran in March and April!

"Leibya Spells Freedom" by Leibya Rogers - watch more funny videos

Thanks for those that still check for updates as I know my posting has been sparse.

I've been embracing writing with pen and paper lately, which is rude because you can't get updates about or read the things I write in my artsy moleskin journal that is filled with important artistic ideas, poetic prose, and invention ideas that will make me and my future grandkids super rich.

So sorry. I will type more.

Also, I'm moving. So most of my internet time is spent on craigslist looking at pictures of apartments that look awesome, but nothing like the apartments that I'm shown after I call and make an appointment to see the apartment that's in the picture on the craigslist ad.

On that note, here are some words and phrases to avoid when looking for an apartment in NYC:

"Cozy"
"Comfy"
"Cozy and Comfy"
"Super Cozy"
"LARGE lobby"
"Historic Building"
"Original Kitchen"
"Can fit twin bed and maybe a . . ."
"On the outskirts of . . ."
"Short walk to bus that stops only a 2o minute walk to subway"
"Bath .5"
"I live in the UK and work for an oil company. If you are serious about this apartment, I can fly in to show you the apartment, but first I need to make sure you will pay me one month rent and security deposit. I have included information here for you to wire . . "

I don't look like foxy or divine brown

2009-01-07T12:19:00.007-07:00

So I'm at a party in brooklyn with my boyfriend Marc, and 4 different people come up to him and say things like, "oh my God, you look just like Hugh Grant." "has anyone told you you look like Hugh Grant!" etc. etc. One girl even took her picture with him! What?

When I took him with me to my sister's wedding in 2007 my relatives said he looked like Jerry Seinfeld. (I think it was wishful Jewish thinking since he's Catholic.

I don't think he looks like Hugh that much:

but maybe I just don't want to think he does because I know I'd start suffering from major Elizabeth Hurley complex.

(right, like I'd put my pic next to her's)

Anyway, whenever someone said he looked like Hugh at the party I would slur out through my whiskey coated lips, "yeah, and don't I look like Foxy Brown?!" which generated many confused faces.

So the moral of the story is: get your pop culture hooker names straight before making a lame joke at a party about not looking like one,and never publicly post your picture next to Elizabeth Hurley's.

So...

2009-01-01T16:55:00.001-07:00

I haven’t posted here since July! Wow, so I guess that kind of makes this blog extinct by now. Perhaps I’ll relocate and start over, or maybe I’ll keep posting here. I’m not sure yet, but I thought I’d do a post today, since it’s the first day of 2009 and I want to start the year on an active, productive, and truthful note.

2008 wasn’t a particularly fun, or funny year for me, which is hard for someone who is trying to make a living writing and performing funny things. On new year’s day last year my mom convinced us all, through lots of painful notes back and forth, to take her off her ventilator, to end her suffering and let her go in her own time, at peace. She was with us, peacefully and beautifully, for four more days.

Yet, I don’t want to always think of New Years as a sad time. She wouldn’t want that either. I have so many great and happy memories of celebrating the new year with my mom and family. Eating lobster, and cookie dough out of the bag, banging on pots and pans in our driveway, watching movie musicals marathons on TV. . . no, I want to start off this year on a happy note, a productive note, a positive note, because life is too short to dwell on what we can't control.

In one of my mom’s notes to us she wrote, “rejoice in my life,” and although sometimes it’s hard, that’s what I’ve been attempting to do this past year and will continue to do from now on: rejoice. Not only in her life, but in mine, and those around me.

So I guess I’m posting this today because I want to start off 2009 by putting these thoughts “out there.” Even if that means posting them on a poorly maintained comedy blog, they’re still out there, for someone to read, for me to hold accountable.

Happy New Year!

-Mindy

Ewwww.

2008-07-28T10:23:00.008-06:00

I don't know why all my posts are about the subway. Perhaps because lately I've had a pretty boring social life as I've been spending all my time writing at home, going to a show at night, and sleeping. So my exciting activities out in the world are riding on public transportation. A couple nights ago I saw something really, really nasty. Some people may think "sweet, parental gesture," but not me, I almost threw up in my mouth.

A baby is in his stroller sucking on his pacifier. He spits the pacifier out of his mouth and it lands on the floor of the subway station. His dad picks up the pacifier, LICKS it clean with HIS MOUTH and puts it BACK in the BABIES MOUTH!

Yes, I agree.

I don't have any kids, but since when is the human mouth a sanitation device?! Why? Why wouldn't you just put the pacifier away and wash it when you got home? The kid wasn't even crying.

Or how about this? Carry an extra binky with you.

I'm not judging. I'm just disgusted.

************************************

Was working at an office last week and was IMing with a friend and telling her how bored I was and jokingly said I was going to live blog my day. She thought this was a spectacular idea. I didn't live blog. But if I did, here's how it would go....

RECEPTION JOB! LIVE BLOGGED!

9:00 AM: Just transferred a call to x214 but no one picked up. Shoot. So, I took the guy off hold and asked him if he wanted to be transferred to voice mail. He said "yeah." So I transferred him to voicemail.

9:30AM: Just transferred a call to x120.

10:15 AM: Phone rang again. I picked it up. It was a hang up.

11:30 AM: While I was deciding what to get for lunch the phone rang! I transferred call to x216, then decided on pizza.

1:00 PM: Just left my desk to get coffee from the kitchen!

1:45PM: I just updated my facebook profile.

1:50PM: Transferred call to x101.

3:00PM: Someone just asked me if I knew where to find some scotch tape! There was some on my desk, so I gave it to her!

3:02PM: She returned the scotch tape to my desk.

3:45PM: I feel empty inside.

4:00PM: Just did some light crying in the bathroom.

5:00PM: Heading to the subway station.

5:10: Ewww! Just saw a man lick a pacifier that fell on the floor and stick it back in his babies mouth.

5:11: Swallowing down throw up and walking to other side of platform.

Last night. . .

2008-07-24T08:39:00.006-06:00

I rode the subway home dressed as Leibya Rogers (sans wig).
Sometimes after a show if I’m just heading home I don’t bother to change back into Mindy. I’ve gotten so used to walking around the city dressed in giant man-shorts, blue tights, and a wife beater with pins on it that say things like, “Kill All Men” that I forget sometimes why people are staring.

Not that people stare all that much. A girl wearing man-shorts and tights in the middle of summer is pretty tame for New York standards. Still, as I was standing in the middle of the train, my arm holding the top bar and therefore exposing my pit hair (I draw in pit hair with eyeliner and mascara to be seen from stage) (no, not the make-up I use on my eyes), I saw this girl staring at me and reading my pins. Just as I was about to say something like, “it’s a costume, a comedy thing,” she pointed to my “Kill All Men” pin and said, “I’m with you girl.”

Yay! I was glad I didn't have to explain what I was wearing or feel uncomfortable about the way I'm dressed, like my subway ride last Halloween for instance when I went dressed as a “skinny bitch.”

(It was a last minute costume when I realized I would be in town, I bought it at Rite Aid, and thought just going as a skeleton was lame.)

It’s always awesome when people look at you with disgust and whisper about how politically incorrect it is to dress up as an anorexic. Hello? I had coffee, cigarettes, exlax and a scowl…it was obvious I was just a “skinny bitch.”

You know you do!

2008-07-23T08:54:00.000-06:00

Another example

2008-07-22T07:45:00.002-06:00

of my baby cousin being photoshopped for our family's Fourth of July party enjoyment.

He's also cute without all the bling.

And yes, when I held him my uterus sighed and all of the birth control in my body disintegrated.

Last night. . .

2008-07-21T08:38:00.011-06:00

Marc is talking loudly in his sleep.

Him: Terrible! Oh, it's terrible! It's just terrible!

Me:(trying to wake him up) What's wrong? What's terrible?

Him: (eyes open, but still asleep and really, really upset) The Steelers! The Steelers. That was terrible. They're doing terrible!

Me: Baby, it's okay. The season hasn't started yet.

Him: Oh. Oh good. (closing his eyes again) Because that was a really bad play. Really, really bad.

No, having a boyfriend who has nightmares about football when it's not even football season is really, really bad.

Well...

2008-07-09T15:33:00.006-06:00

I survived my first Fourth of July family reunion with my mom's side of the family, without my mom.

We have a big family reunion every year-unless there's a wedding or a bat mitzvah. Last year was my sister's wedding in May. Then our family and my mom's sister's family spent Fourth of July weekend together in CT. That was our last vacation with my mom. The last time I saw her out of the hospital. So I knew this Fourth would be tough. Thankfully, my mom's side of the family is...um, what's a good word? Wacky? Boisterous? Crazy? Really Jewish? I mean, how you can you be sad when you're amongst a crowd of 30 relatives all wearing these pins?

Yes, we wore these in public...proudly.

My mom's maiden name is Million. Yes, she grew up as Kitty Million and never did porn. Pretty amazing. Even more amazing: six of of those Jews tipping over in their canoes. My father, whose athletic abilities don't go beyond golf and bowling, tipped the first canoe. We were all close together and he thought he'd use my sister-in-law's canoe next to him for a push off. This started the Jew Klutz Domino Effect.

My father and my sister tried to help and soon they tipped over. Then my father, in a state of panic, tried to climb in my poor cousins canoe and tipped them over. I have a lot of it on video, and perhaps I'll post it when stupid ^%$ing Vista recognizes my four year old video camera. I think it's a, you had to be there/part of my family to find it funny anyway. So maybe I shouldn't have even mentioned it. Oh well.

my brand new baby cousin welcoming us to the hotel.

***************************
Anyway....been doing a lot of writing, which is why my blog posts have been shamefully sparse.

Got a job blogging for a new site this summer. Writing for TNT's Saving Grace website.
Check it out: especially if you're a fan of the show.

Is always awesome...

2008-06-16T09:54:00.002-06:00

when you have a great show and the crowd is awesome, and people are laughing, and you're selling CDs, and you come home and you think to yourself, "I love performing, and my shows are going really well, and I'm actually making money doing what I love to do, yay!" and then you get this in your inbox:

I've seen both your stand up and your articles. Not gonna lie....Comedy is not your bag. You have an amazing writing style and that doesn't horribly suck. Everything else I have seen from you....well, sadly that does suck!!! the funny! It's not working

I'm so glad that collegehuumor user, and high school dropout, Connell has taken the time to let me know "comedy is not my bag." Seriously, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? Are people that bored with their lives? I don't get it. I mean I love it, don't get me wrong. I'd kinda be sad if I stopped getting fun mail like this to share with people...but still...kids need to start spending some time outdoors.

Imagined Conversations & Actual Conversations

2008-06-04T13:24:00.002-06:00

College Humor inbox style.

Imagined

*

Actual

*yup, someone sent that for real.

Wannabe SATC columnist takes over my CollegeHumor article this week

2008-05-30T12:07:00.002-06:00

Hi Guys!

Mindy's off this week, and I've been asked to fill in! Yay! I'm not a "real" sex columnist YET, but I've sent lots of stuff out to tons of NYC papers and popular on-line mags, so you never know.

I totally live and breathe sex and relationships though, so I'm SO happy to be writing about it for you guys this week. Let's get started.

Sex. LOL. Sex can be so funny, but it can also be really serious. Sex can be both funny and serious. Like one time I was making out with this guy in a cab and when the cab stopped at a red light the guy hit his head on the partition. Funny. But then I never heard from him again and felt super insecure. Serious. The guy was like lipstick: after we made out, he totally faded.

What's the deal with guys who can't commit to me emotionally? It's like, I just can't seem to get close to the opposite sex. Men are like uncrackable eggs. I don't know, maybe having a boyfriend isn't all it's scrambled up to be.

But, it's not like I haven't totally done the whole experimentation thing. I have. But I don't think chicks will ever really do it for me. I guess in my house, I'd rather have hardwood floors than wall to wall carpet.

Speaking of wanting hardwood, I hate how all the guys who treat me really well are the ones that just don't turn me on. Men are like bras: the really supportive ones are always the ugliest.

And the prettiest ones are always the most difficult to get off! But that, my friends, is a whole other column entirely (that hopefully will be published soon) called: Metro Makes Me Wanna Wretchtro

Wow, Metro Makes Me Wanna Wretchtro might be my first published piece of writing. That's cool. I mean it's so much better than my thesis on how the tonal vibrations of the chromatic scale relates to the neuronal connections of the amygdala. And also so much better than the lyrical novel I've been working on for the past five years about the relationship between conscious guilt and the spacetime continuum. Okay, well that's it for me this week (sobs quietly to herself), I'm spent! LOL! (continues to sob)

****************************

Now, will a lot of the guys that read college humor and comment frequently hate this? Yes. But getting e-mails from girls who LOVED it is enough for me. And getting hate mail from guys who'll never be my ideal audience is kinda fun...sometimes.

This is worse than "skinny" jeans

2008-05-22T12:45:00.004-06:00

I hate you, Fashion.

So much.

Another Cover!

2008-05-21T08:49:00.000-06:00

The same lovely girls from Wheeler High School who re-created my Leibya Spells Freedom Song. Have now done their own version of my "You're Unattractive" song!

Though they changed it a bit. One of the lines in my songs is:

"Scott Baio, he was attractive. And was a man I'd put 'in charge of my days and my nights'"

And they changed the guy to "Orlando," but kept the Charles in Charge reference, which is hysterical.

And yes, now I officially feel old. More so than the time I did the "Your Unattractive" song at a college in Main a couple years ago and stopped after singing the Scot Baio line when I saw the kids were staring at me with blank faces.

But people are doing covers of my comedy songs, so I can't complain.

Though I guess the realty show "Scott Baio is 45... and Single" should have been a sign to update the pop culture refereces in my songs.

Words and phrases to avoid when searching craigslist

2008-05-20T08:28:00.001-06:00

"...wanted, open minded..."

"models, no experience necessary"

"beautiful, FRIENDLY girls..."

"Love lingerie...?"

"Are you a risk taker?"

“...fetishes...”

“Full figured...who like to clean?”

“...pay in cash!!!!”

“How sexy are you?...”

“Wanna be a STAR?”

“Female...massage therapist...no experience necessary”

“Girls!...”

“...in leather pants”

Don't try and hide it...

2008-05-19T09:47:00.002-06:00

...you know you want to see my wiener dog pics from my second visit to the Daschund Friendship Club’s wiener dog gathering in NYC!

The last time we went was in October, so more of the doggies were dressed. This time around a lot of them were naked, but some of them had on outfits that I definitely wore when I was a tot in the 80s.

Like this:

And this:

And this (girl in the back):

And I definitley wore a hat like this at some point during my middle school Blossom/cowgirl phase:

And of course, nowadays, I always walk around letting it all hang out while wearing my best pearls:

more pics?

"Kitty pregnant with Mindy"

2008-05-13T15:16:00.002-06:00

is what is written on the back on this photo my dad gave me.

I don't know if she was smiling so much when this came out of her though.

Mother's Day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was actually quite nice.
It's strange, the days you think are going to be awful are fine, and then some random day, not a holiday or a birthday or anything, you break down in the kosher chicken aisle at the grocery store.

*****************************

Leibya Rogers is officially a part of the gay community! Check it out!

If you're in NYC, please come to

W.R.A.G Fest!

Best Facebook Mini-Feed Notification Ever

2008-05-05T08:00:00.000-06:00

is what Katie, a Leibya Roger's fan and Leibya song re-creator said about this:

I agree.

Aliza Shvarts Breaks Up with her Boyfriend

2008-04-28T09:40:00.000-06:00

Aliza: Can we talk?

Boyfriend: Sure.

Aliza: I think we should break up?

Boyfriend: For real?

Aliza:Well, I can't really tell you if this is real or not. The nature ofthis break-up doesn't consist of any certainties, you know?

Boyfriend: Stop talking like that and just tell me, are you really breaking up with me or not?!

Aliza: I can't! It's impossible to accurately identify the break-up. I'm sorry.

Boyfriend: (sigh)So, I guess we're over?

Aliza: Yes. But fictitiously. And factually, too. Our break-up, in a sense, is a long narrative of truthful lies.

Boyfriend: What? What do you mean?

Aliza: I'm sorry, but I have to stay ambiguous for the sake...of the break-up.

Boyfriend: Wait, is this one of your "art" projects?! I told you from the beginning: don't involve 'us' in your 'art.' That's my deal breaker!

Aliza: I'm not! I don't love you anymore. It's over.

Boyfriend: Fine. This better be real though because I'm going to tell people.

Aliza: Fine. Good

Boyfriend: Oh...wait a minute. I get it! You're just telling me we're breaking up soI can tell EVERYONE about it. But really, the actual break-up will bethe product of everyone's reaction to this pseudo break-up. Nice try, but I'm not falling for it.

Aliza: Don't try to understand me, baby. You're not smart enough.

Boyfriend: Sorry. So...are we still together?

Aliza: Yes, but just as a concept.

Boyfriend: Can I f*ck you later?

Aliza: Yes. Except the vagina as a receiver of the dick is a total myth, so we'll have to experiment.

Boyfriend: Cool.

Aliza: Hey sweetie, will you grab that plastic over there and lay it out on the floor so I can bleed on it?

Boyfriend: Yeah, no problem. Wait...for "real?"

http://www.courant.com/news/local/hc-yaleart0423.artapr23,0,3218278.story

http://www.yaledailynews.com/articles/view/24559

Does anyone else think this Aliza freak stole her look from Leibya Rogers?

Thoughts from my legs

2008-04-25T13:09:00.007-06:00

"Ahhhhh! I can see again! It's a miracle! Wait, were are my tights? My jeans? Those really ugly sweatpants I wear on Sundays? I'm so naked, yet so warm. Wow, this is really nice. Holy shit! Where the did all my hair go????!!!"

Well, so far. It could snow this weekend, you never know.

Heard in my hood

2008-04-23T12:17:00.002-06:00

Guy 1: Damn, look at all those people eating, drinking, hanging out. What? Nobody’s got jobs around here?

Guy 2: Dude, it’s Brooklyn. People don’t work for real here, they’re all artists and shit.

And the reason I was walking around my neighbored during the day today to hear this conversation is because I’m one of those “artists and shit.”

Which I think sounds better than saying, I do freelance work and shit. And a whole lot better than the truth which is: I’m unemployed and shit.

I don’t think I’m doing this right

2008-04-15T20:19:00.003-06:00

I’m reading a lot of books about mourning right now. I know that’s probably not a good idea, but I want to make sure I’m doing it right. But I guess worrying about not mourning the right way is the wrong way to mourn, right?

I still think it's a compliment

2008-04-09T05:20:00.002-06:00

(Backstage before performing at Raonoke)

Buteau: Mindy, you know who you look like with those bangs?

Me: Who?

Buteau: Anne Hathaway in that Devil Wears Prada movie...

Me: No way!

Buteau: ...in the beginning when she was all frumpy.

Me: Oh. Thank you?

Leibya's Blog

2008-04-07T16:14:00.002-06:00

I know, I'm slacking already. It's hard writing everyday again. But I wrote in Leibya's Blog today. Does that count?

************************

I've been getting some AMAZING hate mail lately. It's so good, that I don't want to just share it here on the blog, I want to sing about it in a song entitled, "Hey Jew Nose, End Your Life!" which I'm almost done writing. Yay! :)

***************************

Do you twitter? Well then why not clitter?

I wanted to find...

2008-03-17T08:36:00.006-06:00

a picture of cute leprechaun drinking beer or lounging about under a rainbow to post today. But when I "St. Patrick's Day" image searched, this came up instead.

So I've decided that now the St. Patrick's Day wikipedia page needs to be
edited

I got over 8 hours of sleep last night. . .

2008-03-13T15:21:00.002-06:00

and this is how I felt when I woke up this morning.

Yay sleep!

Shtuff

2008-03-12T12:03:00.002-06:00

I'm in the process of redesigning this thing. I really wanted to do something subtle like put a giant picture of myself in the background and have the blog scroll down my body. So I found this great layout called Mindy Raf Narcissism in Pink and decided to try it out.

So I'm proud of myself because everything lined up. It worked!
Of course, when I look at the blog in Explorer, everything is blank.
So I guess it didn't work...yet.

********************
So it's a link to my past post day.
Because it takes awhile to get back into this blogging thing.

So here's one of my favorite past posts:

A Letter to Hugh Hefner that contains nasty pictures.

Also today's a new column/new podcast day:

So if you want to read more, you can go to my collegehumor column.

And if you want to see more,you can go to bestweekever.tv.

So. . .

2008-03-11T08:09:00.004-06:00

my mom died. In January, about a week short of her 58th birthday. She was really sick. And I intend to write more about her than three simple sentences, but not today. Not yet. But I'll just say, today, that it makes me sad writing here and knowing she won't be home checking the blog or calling me after I post with her comments.

And my good friend who's gone through something similar and also does comedy was telling me that I don't have to talk or write about if I don't want to, and I can still perform and do jokes about her and songs and not bring it up ever, if I don't want to. And I was like, "no, she would have wanted me to talk about her, make people laugh." But I don't know, I'm having trouble right now, just writing this post.

So just this for now.

Oh, and this:

because she was HOT.

Am I hypocrite

2008-03-10T09:13:00.003-06:00

for believing women and men should be treated as equals while I tell my boyfriend that it's his duty, as a man, to dispose of the dead mouse that was greeting me in our apartment this morning?

Yup, thought I'd start blogging again after almost a year with a dead mouse gender
roles post. Because really, who's still checking this blog and hasn't given up yet? I doubt many. But hopefully someone who knows an exterminator.

I'm animated!

2007-05-10T12:09:00.000-06:00

Scott Bateman has animated Leibya Rogers!
Check it out.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I've been asked to start up my "Sex" Column for Collegehumor again. I'll be posting there weekly.
Here's one from last week.
They'll be posted on the site on Fridays.

Amazing!

2007-05-07T10:23:00.000-06:00

There's nothing like waking up and checking my e-mail and seeing that new people have added themselves to my e-mail list. "Awesome!" I think to myself, "How cool is it that people I don't know are adding themselves to my mailing list!" and then I see that some person wrote this as their e-mail address:

New Subscriber Notice
5/7/2007

New Subscribers 5/4/07 3:09 PM EDT: 13

Subscriber Email Address
mindysucks@andisugly.com

I'm flattered that someone actually took the time to do this. I went to Mindysucksandisulgy.com. Nothing. Oh well. One can only hope.

I'm a winner!

2007-04-30T11:23:00.000-06:00

I WON the Shark Show's Battle of the Funny Bands! Okay, Leibya Rogers won, but it was me underneath the mullet wig and man shorts.

So take that scary Anne Geddes wall calendar down and circle June 7th because you just have to come to my EP Release Show for Leibya Rogers now since she/we won the title "Funniest band in New York," right? Yes!

In other news, I'm not 21 anymore. I just got back from Miami last night. It was for my younger sister's bachelorette party. Early Saturday morning I found myself covered in black light sitting on a fuzzy leopard print couch watching my sister and her friends dance to music I'd never heard before while worrying that the steady flashing of the strobe light might induce a seizure. Then I turned around and scolded a guy like a dog who was trying to grab my ass with a "No!" "I said, NO!" "Go on on now, shoo!" Um yeah . . . please re-read the first sentence of this paragraph.

Save the date!

2007-04-18T17:49:00.000-06:00

And this month check out a little preview when I/Leibya compete in the final round of:

The Shark Show's Battle of the Funny Bands
This Saturday
8PM
Mo Pitkins

I need to move

2007-04-12T14:47:00.000-06:00

out of Manhattan. I just realized as I was peeing in a brand new Starbucks in Carrol Gardens that the bathroom was the same size as my bedroom.

The bathroom at Starbucks is the same size as my bedroom.

The bathroom in my brother's apartment in Boston is also bigger than my bedroom.

His bathroom is bigger than my bedroom.

So, basically I've been living in a really conveniently located bathroom for almost two years. No, I've been living in a really conveniently located small bathroom for almost two years.

It's time to deal with the fact that I don’t need to live close to every single subway line and be able to walk home safely during shady hours of the night in a well lit touristy area. There are more important things I want now like a bigger room, a closet, the ability to sprawl out in my bed without my feet touching the opposite wall.

My parents have a hard time accepting the fact that I'll be moving out of Manhattan this summer. Probably because the only references they have to other boroughs come from movies.

I know every time I mention moving to Brooklyn my Mom’s mind goes right to Ghost and “Willy, Prospect Place Willy?”

Of course when I was little I thought everything in Manhattan was exactly as it appeared in Crocodile Dundee. But, that's a whole other post.

I heat myspace bulletins

2007-04-06T08:00:00.000-06:00

From: ♥Filthy™

Date: Apr 6, 2007 12:59 AM

Subject: to the girl who steals stuff off my page

YOU SUCK AND I WANT TO STEP ON UR FOOT AND SQUISH UR TOES!!!!
and ur HATER EMAILS ABOUT HOW IM SUCHA HOMEWRECKING WHORE ARE FUCKING SILLY CUZ ITS OBVIOUS U DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK UR TALKING ABOUT! GO WORK ON UR OWN DAMN LIFE SHIT!

I was actually clicking on a "real" friend's bulletin but opened this instead. So glad I did.

*************************
There's fun picture of me in The Apiary as Leibya Rogers.

I'm performing as her in The Shark Show's Funny Battle of the Bands

this Saturday
Mo Pitkins
8pm

Her EP is almost done and I've finally set a date for a solo show for her (with some special guests of course) June 7th.

New Best Night Ever podcast is up:

************************

I was thumbing through an old notebook and found a bunch of entries titled "Male Comic Quotes" I used to, and I admit still do, write down things male comedy people say to me that frustrate/annoy/entertain me.

Here are a couple of gems:

"Well the men are laughing cause they want to fuck you, and the women are laughing cause they have vaginas too. It's a win, win for you."

"You know what you need to do, show more cleavage."

"Don't do songs with guitar. People are going to think you're a prop comic. Sarah Silverman does songs, find another niche."

So . . .

2007-03-23T09:00:00.000-06:00

I'm in the process of making a music video for one of my characters Leibya Rogers with the lovely and very funny Sara Schaefer (In the process= we haven't started yet)
One of the songs I wrote for Leibya is a love song to Katie Holmes. I was thinking of maybe doing that song for the video and was wondering what other Katie-Holmes-themed love songs were out there. So, I searched Katie Holmes love song on youtube and my live Leibya Rogers video was the first to come up!

I'm not ashamed to admit that this makes me very proud. Now when people are like, "So, how's the comedy going?" I can be like, "Um...well, I have the number one Katie Holmes love song on Youtube." And, because most of the people who ask me how the comedy is going are family members over fifty, they'll resond with, "Oh, well isn't that nice. So what's Youtube, is that a new show on that cable comedy channel? You know the one with that Jewish guy who changed his name and makes fun of the news?"

Ron Donovan, my newest fan.

2007-03-05T16:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, I’ve abandoned the blog. I’m sorry. The thousand or so hits a day I got when I was posting every single day and was actually linked to other sites etc. are now probably (for sure) a lot lower. I don’t know how to find out though, because I don’t remember my password to check. It’s been that long. Yet, I have been writing a lot, and hopefully by next year you’ll be able to purchase my work at your local booksellers! Details to come.

That being said, I am going to try and update more. For now, I’d like to share a couple of e-mails with all of you. (all of you=hopefully over 10 people).

I got a lot of e-mails regarding the blog, asking me post, asking me if I was still alive etc. I also got some fun hate mail. Here are two favorites from each side of the spectrum.

from XXX@XXX.edu
to mindy@mindyraf.com
subject deleting you

Hi Mindy,I'm not trying to make you feel bad but I just wanted to let you know that I'mdeleting your blog from my bookmarks. I know it seems kinda rash, but I can'tlive with the constant disappointment anymore. I used to really look forwardto checking your blog for updates and I used to be able to count on AT LEASTone a week, but lately you've failed me. January 12th?!?! Com'on you can dobetter than that. At first I was willing to forgive. I chalked it up to thefact that you have bigger and better things to do, but I can't suppress myanger any longer. Thanks for the laughs about girls with dangerous shoulderblades, I will treasure the memories.

Best,
L

I love the fact that when "L" thinks of my blog she will laugh to herself about nasty underweight women with dangerous shoulder blades and then get angry that she has no new stories to read about nasty underweight women with dangerous shoulder blades. It makes me super proud.

And now, on to the hate mail, which I LOVE to post.

This one isn’t as bad as the one from the anti-Semitic Canadian who wrote me an e-mail informing me that I had an "ugly Jew face"— or something like that— but it’s still delicious.

So on Valentine’s Day I was asked to perform on two shows. One was as a guest on Sirius Satellite’s The Wise Guys show.
The show was fun, though it started out kind of rocky with Vinny (aka Sopranos Big Pussy) saying:
“So Mindy…. Rack, that’s your name right, Mindy Rack?” and then asking me about Survivor because he thought I was on the show.

But, after the introductions were sorted out, it was all good. I talked to them for a bit and then I played a couple of songs. A song about my mom thinking I’m a lesbian and this song.

They went well. I was feeling pretty good.

Afterwards, I went over to Jon Friedman’s Rejection Show to sing as Leibya Rogers It was so much fun. Tons of people there, everyone was really happy and Valentine’s Day festive, and I drank and sang karaoke afterwards still dressed as Leibya. It was the most fun I’ve had at a show this year.

So I went home feeling pretty good about myself.
"Good work Mindy," I said to myself in the bathroom mirror.
(Yes, I always talk to myself while getting ready for bed, especially when I have alcohol in my system)
"Good work Mindy,” I said to myself. “You were on a national radio show and you didn’t make a fool out of yourself, and you tried out a new Leibya song and people laughed. Nice job tonight!” I patted myself on the back and winked at my reflection in the mirror before heading to my computer to check my e-mail and google/myspace stalk guys from my past to see if they’re more successful than me in love and/or career.

I always check my e-mail first because the google/myspace stalking could take hours. That’s when I found this little gem:

from rondonovan@yahoo.com
to mindy@mindyraf.com
date Feb 14, 2007 7:27 PM
subject WISE GUY SHOW

Mindy I just heard you on the wise guy show and I don't want to be rude but that was the most annoying unfunny song I have ever heard. the second one was even worse than the first. Again sorry for being rude but that was just terrible

The thing I love about this e-mail is the fact that some random guy took the time (on Valentine’s Day no less) to Google me and find my website and contact info just to send that message.
Plus, the last line is awesome. Re-read it, it’s truly fantastic.
Of course for a split a second after reading the e-mail, I re-branded the night as a failure and me as a comic who writes annoying, unfunny songs. But that was just for a fraction of a second before I laughed and realized that I'm the one with the talent and he's the one sitting at home by himself on Valentine's Day sending e-mails to strangers he hears on the radio. As I chuckled heartily to myself and began that evening's Web stalking, I decided that one day I was going to post his message and e-mail on my blog in hopes that the readers I have left will submit him to spammers like they did to those Canadians last year. . . .what?! No! That's so immature, just kidding...rondonovan@yahoo.com...just kidding.

When I was little

2007-01-12T09:26:00.000-07:00

I used to play this game I called secretary. I would put on one of my mom's 80's, should pad-clad blazers, put my hair in a bun, stick a pencil behind my ear, and sit at my kitchen table pretending I was a receptionist in a swanky NYC office building. I'd answer imaginary phone calls and pretend to talk to imaginary business people. "I'm sorry Mr. Smith but he won't back in the office until 3pm. Can I take a message?"

Well now, to make some extra cash, I'm actually working a couple days here and there as a receptionist in swanky NYC office buildings. It's just as much fun as my childhood game except for the fact that it's not at all and I cry a lot during my lunch break.

Yesterday I killed some minutes at the office making a Leibya Rogers CD cover on Microsoft Paint.

Anyone want to make a real one for me on Photoshop . . .?

* * * * * * * * *

Did another Best Night Ever podcast last night.

Click on the image, check it out.

Like I mentioned earlier, working on a writing project so not posting as much right now. Thanks to those of you (mom, two ex boyfriends, dude who googled "girls like the shocker") who are still checking for updates.

For some reason

2006-12-29T17:19:00.001-07:00

the ifilm code isn't working in my blog template. I finally get around to posting my latest Best Night Ever podcast, and the code doesn't work.

So, here's a picture link.

Enjoy.

I may look cheap...

2006-12-21T14:02:00.000-07:00

I'm at a wine store attempting to pick up a bottle of red wine for a dinner I'm attending. I'm not a wine person and have no idea what to get. I overhear the wine guy talking to another girl who looks about my age.

Wine Guy: Can I help you?
Girl: Yeah, I need a bottle of red wine. Something dry, but not too dry.

That's exactly what I need! I continue listening and decide to just grab whatever he recommends for her.

Wine Guy: Okay, how about this?

He pulls a bottle from the shelf and hands it to the girl. I see it's priced at $39.99. He talks about the wine, she purchases it, and I continue to stare blankly at the shelves.

I don't know a lot about wine, but I do know that a forty dollar bottle of wine to bring to a friend's house for a dinner of latkes and Macaroni & Cheese is a bit excessive. The wine guy approaches me.

Wine Guy: Can I help you?
Me: Yes, I need to get a bottle of red wine. Something dry, but not too dry.

What should I say when he directs me to the forty dollar bottles of wine? "Got anything cheaper?" "Lovely, but I don't think so." "Do you think this would go with latkes and macaroni?"

He gestures for me to follow him. We pass the shelf with the forty dollar bottles and head to the front of the store. He picks up a bottle and hands it to me. It's $7.99!

Wine Guy: This is a great wine. Goes with everything. And not too expensive.

I know it's ridiculous, but I'm offended. What gives him the right to decide that I'm a seven dollars and ninety nine cent wine drinker and not a forty dollar wine drinker? (I mean it's true, but still!) I feel defensive and so immediately reply,
"Oh, well, I'm hoping to spend a little more than 10 bucks." I laugh snobbishly.
He looks taken aback and leads me back to the pricey shelf.

Great, what do I do now? I've just forced myself to buy a bottle of wine I can't afford to prove to some total stranger that his snap judgment about me isn't true even though it totally is. And why is it true? What is it about my appearance that gives off a $7.99 vibe and not a $39.99 vibe?!

And right there, in middle of the wine store, I had a brief Post-Quarter Life Crisis. Why did that other girl look more expensive than me? Is it my hair? Do I have low-income posture? I bet the wine guy was thinking to himself:

I better show this girl the $7.99 bottle of wine because she looks like the kind of girl that can’t afford to pay for her own health insurance, or live by herself, or have a bedroom with a closet, or a bedroom larger than a spacious bathroom, or a bedroom that fits people who are over 6 feet tall.

I hear the wine guy shout to his coworker that he's stepping out for a smoke. I quickly wrap up my PQL Crisis by telling myself that I’m being neurotic, illogical, and self involved. I grab the eight dollar bottle of wine.

Later that night, I'm sipping my $7.99 find, eating and talking with friends. I'm telling them about my recent weekend of shows and how I stayed in a shady hotel in Virginia Beach and got yelled at by a hooker.

Yes, I may look “cheap” and stay at hooker-filled hotels when I'm on the road, but I'm 26 years old, still doing what I love to do, and not homeless yet.

That eight dollar bottle of wine tasted damn good.

Last week

2006-12-12T09:45:00.000-07:00

I was the phone with my mom regarding spending Christmas with my boyfriend's family:

Mom: So you're going to head over there for Christmas?
Me: Yeah I fly out the 24th.
Mom: Oh, that’s nice! And so do they go to Midnight Mass?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: Oh, I’ve been to Midnight Mass once, it’s so lovely! And you’re going with them?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: Don't wear something low cut, it's church.
Mindy: Will do.
Mom: What about Chanukah?
Me: What about it?
Mom: Are you guys going to celebrate Chanukah together before he heads home?
Me: No, probably not.
Mom: Why not?
Me: Since when do we celebrate Chanukah mom?
Mom: Well I know it's not Yom Kippur or anything, but you should at least light a candle...you should make him latkes?
Me: What? Make him latkes?!
Mom: Or get the frozen kind. Light the menorah, make him latkes. Celebrate Chanukah.
Me: Mom, I don't even have a menorah.
Mom; Oh, fine. Okay. No, that’s fine. Whatever, no big deal. Just an idea…

Three days later I come home to find giant package on my bed.

Roommate: Your mom sent you something from Target.

A giant "Traditional Electric Menorah!"
(9 pack of 'flickering flame menorah bulbs'
and power chord included.)

I guess it's Jewish tradition: date a Catholic boy long enough, get a free menorah.

Me on BNE

2006-11-29T03:22:00.000-07:00

Check out my VH1 Best Night Ever Podcast from last night!

Update 12/9:
I know, I'm not posting lots right now. But the 6 people who still read this can check my latest BNE HERE

Links, a pic, and an unhappy couple

2006-11-28T10:29:00.000-07:00

I was going to post a photo of me and the lovely Rachel Kramer Bussel looking sexy in purple at Carolyn and Nichelle's birthday soiree, but Rachel beat me to it

This was also one of my favorites that Brian Van took that night.

Shawn Hollenbach delicately spanking birthday girl Nichelle

Carolyn and I also had a Myspace-themed conversation that I'm not ashamed to post:

Carolyn:...well whatever, you took me off your top 8 girl.
Mindy: No, I'm just redecorating.
Carolyn: Well I've replaced you.
Mindy: No, no it was technical! I thought I had a top 16 but then realized I didn't. Oh my god, did you take me off yours because you saw you were off mine?
Carolyn: (looks down in shame)
Mindy: (gasps)

Okay it wasn't that dramatic, but I remember coming home and thinking: wow, I just had two MySpace top 8 conversations, one conversation with someone about who links and who doesn't link to their blog, and another conversation with someone about how many hits their website receives in a day!

People are so Internet obsessed. I'm so glad I'm not an Internet whore.
I'm so glad I don't have a blog, and a website, and a Myspace page, and flickr page, and a youtube page , and another Myspace page. . . that would be so lame.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - -

Overheard this conversation at 42 and 9th last night.

Guy: I'm going home.
Girl: Fine, just go home and look at porn on the Internet!
Guy: Shut the fuck up.
Girl: Am I too loud?! Well, fuck you. I'm sorry I'm so loud and angry because MY BOYFRIEND HAS TO PAY FOR SEX!

I'm assuming she means that he pays for on-line porn, and doesn't mean he pays her to have sex with him. If it is the latter, then she needs to keep her mouth shut and thank her lucky stars, most girls just get dinner.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2006-11-22T12:27:00.000-07:00

This Wednesday!

2006-11-14T05:03:00.000-07:00

In The Flesh: Comic Sex Night

In The Flesh is a monthly reading series held the third Wednesday of every month at the appropriately named Happy Ending Lounge, and features the city's best erotic writers sharing stories to get you hot and bothered,

hosted and curated by Village Voice sex columnist and acclaimed erotic writer/editor Rachel Kramer Bussel. From erotic poetry to down and dirty smut, these authors get naked on the page and will make you lust after them and their words.

I am so excited to be on this show, and it’s also Rachel’s birthday party!

I’m reading a dirty story, Adira Amram is singing, and comics Claudia Cogan, Jessica Delfino, Julie Klausner, Todd Levin, Lianne Stokes and Baron Vaughn will all be sharing funny sex stories too!

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 15 at 8 PM
AT HAPPY ENDING LOUNGE, 302 BROOME STREET, NYC
(B/D to Grand, J/M/Z to Bowery, F to Delancey)
Admission: FREE

*************************************

Spent the weekend in Michigan hanging out with my parents and packing on some Pre-Thanksgiving weight. Doing a fundraiser show here to support the Anti-Defamation League and then heading back to NYC to read a story about blowjobs on the Lower East Side. Hmmm…maybe I'll read the blowjob story at the fundraiser, make my parents proud.

I've stopped posting because . . .

2006-11-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

I was kidnapped by a group of anti-bloggers whose goal is to exterminate comedy blogging people once and for all. They locked me in their basement with no food, water or computer, and I was forced to perform sex acts on their leader who they called Guru Papa.

I've found God and realized that blogging will not bring me closer to Jesus.

I've become a hipster and only participate in things far removed from the mainstream. Blogging is now too suburban for my unique existence.

I've decided to stop rebelling against my nymphomania and now spend all of my time online at craiglist.com having cyber sex and arranging to meet different “new friends” every hour in order to satisfying my undying urge to constantly fuck, which, of course, has left me no time for blogging.

I started meditating, found the voice within, and realized it wasn't very funny.

I’ve become a fashionista and started a new blog called “Labels Are Life”

I’ve been fasting these past three weeks in order to cleanse myself of impurities and haven’t had the energy to type.

I bought a digital camera and started a new blog called
“Pics and Dicks: a photoblog of NYC Men”

Okay.

Truth is . . .

The people in my building finally figured out that I have been stealing their wireless and have shut me out.

AND!

I've been working on other writing that I’m really psyched about, that’s paying me some mula, that you’ll be able to buy, and that I’ll tell you more about soon.

I will still be updating, but probably just once a week. But you should stick around because I have exciting shows, news, fun dirty pictures etc. that I want to share with you in the near future.

So yeah, stick around.

Long awkward hugs,

~Mindy

Oh, and after many e-mails from Mozilla Firefox people telling me they can't see my show page, I've switched it back to the blogger page. It's no longer my RSS feed.
Firefox/Apple people, is it working now?

Sending this

2006-10-18T09:09:00.000-06:00

to my acting teacher in college who advised me to:

"keep your face nice and still mindy the camera picks up everything"

Videos! Watch them! Thanks!

2006-10-17T14:17:00.000-06:00

I know. The blogging thing has been sparse. I don't have any fun reasons for my lack of posting or any obscure bragging to do like:

"you guys I have this insanely incredible life right noww! Words can't EVEN BEGIN to describe it, so I'm not even going to try and write about it on this blog because you guys wouldn't even comprehend. Plus, I'm still soooo drunk right now. . . ahahahahaha!"

No, nothing like that. Sorry. But I have videos for you!!

Yes, videos for those of you who don't live in NYC, or for those of you that do but "don't attend comedy shows, they make me uncomfortable" (yes, my friend's ex boyfriend actually said that to me once). Anyway, you guys can now see one of my characters, Leibya Rogers, in action.

Each clip is about 3 or 4 minutes. The first one is Leibya singing "Leibya Spells Freedom" and the second is her singing a love song to Katie Holmes.

You can also go to the each video page to rate the video/comment etc.

Wieners

2006-10-09T14:03:00.000-06:00

If you think your dog is, "just like a human baby he'll just never learn to talk," chances are, I don't like you.

If you dress your dog in a sundress in the summer or a suede coat in the winter, chances are I don't like you.

If you put doggy Uggs or tiny Gucci sandles over your dog's fur covered paws, chances are I don't like you.

If you take your dog to doggy yoga or doggy therapy or doggy pilates, chances are I don't like you.

I don't like New York City dogs. They're pussies.

Yet, sometimes my NYC dog hatred is challenged.

Sometimes I find myself with my dachshund lovin' boyfriend and his family members in Washington Square Park during weiner dog day overcome by the cuteness.

I find myself talking to impeccably dressed fur covered hot dogs in a high pitched voice and saying things like,

"Hewo liddle wubba woo. Are you a bumba bee? Is your widdle furry friend a fireman? Are you two getting a widdle fwisky?"

Sometimes I get down on my hands and knees and coo out,

"ooo do you have widdle beard sir? weh did you get your itty bitty sweater bubaloo?"

Sometimes I'm hypnotized by adorable eyes and soft fur and end up exposing myself.

Sometimes I say things like

"Oh, Top Gun! Are you a crazy Scientologist, little puppy?"

and receive dirty looks from a potential dachshund-owning Scientologists.

And sometimes I think to myself:
maybe I'm wrong, maybe NYC dog people don't deserve my ridicule.

Maybe I should make fun of
'cat on a leash' people instead.

A quick thought/ four minute microsoft paint creation

2006-10-04T12:02:00.000-06:00

I used to fantasize about meeting a handsome man named Mr. Shmindy who would love me unconditionally and fulfill my life long dream of having a rhyming name.

Not anymore.

See, my sister is getting married in May to a guy whose last name is Graff. I realize now that having a rhyming name is okay, but having a rhyming hyphened last name is SO much cooler.

That's why I've decided I'm marrying Zach Braff.

My sister and I will be Stacey Raf-Graff and Mindy Raf-Braff and life will be perfect.

Nobody seems to care

2006-10-03T11:30:00.000-06:00

what's in my iPod, but apparently I have small ribs.

My iPod and my "rather chesty" self were on the Best Week Ever Blog on Friday.

Check out my shuffle results and stick around to read some "news."

Recycling

2006-10-02T23:52:00.000-06:00

my Yom Kippur post and inappropriate donut pic from last year.

Deal with it.

Belated Jewish New Year Resolutions to follow.

"Overcooked"

2006-09-29T14:46:00.000-06:00

I was attempting to explain to a friend the other day why Dane Cook, someone so incredibly not funny, was so popular. I knew why, but when I tried to articulate it all I ended up saying was, "because, because, well, because…people are stupid" I ended up just rolling my eyes and waving the conversation away.

Last night, I was chatting with a couple of comics who were telling me about an article in salon.com by Heaher Havrilesky on that very subject.

So what explains Cook's popularity? His comedy is most notable for what it lacks: a critique of the political climate (Dennis Miller, George Carlin, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher), a commentary on our culture (Chris Rock, David Chappelle), a slightly tweaked perspective (Ray Romano, Steven Wright, Jerry Seinfeld), outrageously dirty material (Eddie Murphy, Andrew Dice Clay), or just a goofy, oddball routine (Howie Mandel). Although his delivery can be chafingly smug, Cook doesn't present himself as anything special. He likes video games and chicks and sports and other general-purpose guy stuff. He's not particularly baffled by the world, or all that perceptive, or all that self-aware. He's a little self-deprecating, a little bit cutesy and a little bit aggressive, but most important, he treats mundane experiences like they're huge revelations: Breakup sex is the best, right? Right! Sometimes you have to lie to get out of stuff you don't want to do. I know you've done it, too, bro!

Even Cook's delivery isn't noteworthy or unique; he sprinkles "bro" and "dude" into every story, he's terrible at impressions and when he's imitating a woman, he inexplicably speaks in a high voice with a lisp, as if he's doing a homophobic imitation of a gay man.

But Cook's is the sort of non-threatening humor that appeals to people who, when watching Jon Stewart or Jerry Seinfeld, don't feel like they're in on the joke. With Cook, you're always in on the joke. Even if you've never been in a bad relationship or had breakup sex, you can just flash that "SuFi" and you're part of the club.

You can read the whole article here

To everyone, (okay just one guy) who e-mail me . . .

2006-09-27T00:25:00.001-06:00

offended by my reference to Axe Body Spray in my Walk of Shame article.

Listen dude, I have nothing against guys who use Axe Body Spray, yet after your ridiculous e-mail I think now I do.

Chill out Mr. Sensitive. I’m sure you smell great. I sure you get tons of women based on your sexy, Axe-like pheromones. Which one do you use? I really hope it’s Tsunami.

Girl: Mmmmm you smell go good. What is that?
You: It’s Tsunami baby, a vast pool of possibility.

Yup, I’m sure that scent gets you a lot of pussy.

Listen douchebag, I don’t even know what Axe Body Spray smells like. Calm the fuck down. I was writing the update and I turned to my roommate and said,

“Yo, I need a male cologne that I can make fun of. The only ones I can think of are Ralph Lauren's Chaps and ALLURE for men. I need something more college-like.”
And she was like,
“What’s that one Nicholas Lachey was doing Ads for?”

The rest is history.

Happy?

Okay, sorry to be so mean. I wish nothing but fortune upon you and your 24 hour lasting Axe scented body and I’m so sorry if your feelings got hurt and—- actually, no, I’m not. Please get a life. Did you really e-mail me defending your use of Axe Body Spray? Did you really e-mail a total stranger and call her a “bitter bitch” because she made an Axe Body Spray reference?!

This is worse than when I got those ‘you’re ugly’ anti- Semitic e-mails from “Rick Slade” and “CitrusBong” last December.

Are you happy now? You made me bring up anti-Semitism. You made me remember that people out there think I’m ugly. Now I’m actually upset.

Thank you, you Axe body spraying asshole. Thanks a lot.

X’s and O’s

~Mindy

Yummy

2006-09-20T14:27:00.000-06:00

I don't know when the Ben & Jerry's Milkshake in a bottle came out, but I lost my Ben and Jerry’s Milkshake in a bottle virginity today via the Chunky Monkey.

On that note, found these yummy pictures of celebrities "we would love to see fat" on octanecreatvie.com They didn't know who to credit for the transformations though.

I tried to do this on Photoshop once and all I knew how to do was increase the width of the picture. My pseudo-fat celebrities came out looking like blurry munchkins. So to whoever is responsible for these pics, “nice work!”

Belated Suri Photo Fun

2006-09-19T11:18:00.000-06:00

A couple of images popped into my head when I saw the lovely Suri on the cover of Vanity Fair.

Elvis:

and

Terri Griffith:

Your Basic Narcissistic Blog Post

2006-09-18T08:55:00.000-06:00

Dear Mindy,

I just saw a clip of you performing as Laibya Rogers and I just wanted to say thanks again. I think seeing that somehow helped to cathartically dispose of all the frustration I experienced during my relationship with my ex-girlfriend.

You see...my ex-girlfriend is a bi-sexual, vegetarian . . . I just realised all the things that really bugged me about her.

Your Fan,
Noah

aw...Laibya's changing the world!

Also, some of her songs and clips from her radio spot on East Village Radio's The Dlist will be up soon on her myspace page.
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Got some fun shows coming up! So if you haven't signed up for my mailing list yet, do it now. ----------->

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Finally got around to putting my Voice Over demo up on my website.
It downloads really fast, but I'm still figuring out how to stream it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Collegehumor has changed their format. I can still write my column, but since they're not having columnists right now, I'm not sure if I'm going to continue with the whole Sex Relationships thing for them and will probably just submit updates for their front page. You can check out my latest update on the Walk of Shame and I'll keep you posted on new stuff.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
And maybe this is the reason why people are afraid to come and talk to me after shows.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Jlove

2006-09-13T09:46:00.000-06:00

because apparently Jdate is just for fucking.

and think I sent a demo out to do some variety show. Got this e-mail back

mindy

thanks for your response

i dont think that your comedy will fit in the show just because its a little more modern than everything else...

She did go on to say she enjoyed my site yet, what do you guys think "modern" means? Maybe "modern' female comics have songs about oral sex and jokes about vibrating dildos. Hmmmmm.

Sorry

2006-09-05T14:04:00.000-06:00

about my lack of new posts. Took another job this month to make some extra money since the summer is so slow. I've been working 9-5, doing shows at night, and working on another writing project. I was almost thinking, "maybe I should put the blog to rest" but I've gotten so many nice e-mails asking me to post so I promise to start up again as soon as can.

In the meantime, scroll down a little and look to right at my show schedule and come check one out!

Reading a dirty story at Smut next week, and another one at In The Flesh in November. Doing some stand-up at Pete's Candy Store end of the month. Also, my alter ego, Laibya Rogers , is performing with The Brothel this Thursday and this Saturday night she'll be on Dlist radio singing some songs!

Laibya Rogers on the radio!

2006-08-30T01:01:00.000-06:00

Had the best time performing as Laibya last night ( yes, I'm changing the spelling of her name) at Mintyfresh's Coming Out!
The crowd was so great. I had them choose what song to do last, it was between "I Can't Beleive I Douched For You" and "Me and My Ovaries On A Friday Night" and I had a room full of people screaming out, "Douched, Douched!" and "Ovaries, Ovaries!"

What more could a bi-sexual, musical poet/vegan activist ask for?

and...

Laibya has been invited to sing live on Dlist radio Saturday September 9th! Time TBA.

Check out her myspace page for upcoming shows!

Just walking down the street minding my own business when:

2006-08-28T14:19:00.000-06:00

Guy: Looks good from behind girl. Mmmmm hmmm, looks good from the front.
Me: (turn to see man in a suit walking next to me licking his lips; I continue walking)
Guy: I’m throwing a [something] draft party at [name of bar I don’t remember] this Saturday. Let me give you my number to remind you. You should come and bring some girlfriends.
Me: It’s okay. I’ll remember.
Guy: Okay, well give me your number then. For personal reasons now. I want to take you out.
Me: Oh well, I have a boyfriend.
Guy: It's okay, I don’t want to be your boyfriend I just want to be your nigga.

Awesome.

This

2006-08-22T10:50:00.000-06:00

is for conservative moms.

(I heart Carolyn Castiglia)

This is for vegetarians.

and

This is for for... um, people who don't wipe.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Computer People:

I've been told my show page(http://mindyraf.com/calander.html) doesn't load on some computers. It works on mine, so I'm thinking it must be a Mac thing. Anybody want to check out my source page and tell me why??

Fun with titles

2006-08-21T13:01:00.000-06:00

Found an old notebook last night while attempting to clean my room. Most of it contained long-winded set ups with no punch lines. Awesome. But, there was a whole page of made up book titles.

I remember sitting at the bar at the Laugh Lounge waiting to go on and reading them to my friend Tim who was bartending. The page is dated 10/? –I can’t read my own writing— but I guess it was last fall.
I don’t think I ever posted them, so here they are with some extras I’ve added on as well.

Enjoy.

You’re Unattractive: a guide to bringing out your winning personality

Eat a Sandwich: turning girls who look like 10 year old boys with vaginas into women, one corned beef reuben at a time

Stop Plucking Your Eyebrows: and other advice for women without mirrors

Yes, It Still Counts: why anal sex is not just like french kissing

You know what? I Think I Might Be Pregnant: and other things to say to annoying men at bars

Nyquil as a Mixer: 700 recipes to ensure constant happiness

My Mom Tells Me I'm Really Smart Everyday: jewish men and their issues vo.I

My Mom Tells Me I'm Really Funny Everyday: jewish men and their issues vol.II

My Mom Tells Me I'm Really Good Looking Everyday: jewish men and their issues vol.III

I Never Came: and other reasons why our 'friends with benefits' thing didn’t work out in college

Leaving Negative Comments In Someone’s Blog Using A Fake Name: and other pathetic things losers with no lives do to pass the time

Cover Your Mouth Cunt: and other things I wanted to say to the bitch with the cold who decided to share a table with me at Starbucks

Can I Get Fries With That? 100 ways to scam free fattening food into your diet

My Nipples Are Not Warm, So Stop Blowing On Them: a guide to pleasing and teasing the breasts

He’s Only Just Not That Into Your Personality: how to get action from the men who are ‘just not that into you’

I’m Gonna Nail Her Man. I’m So In. Dude, I’m So In: and other things men say that make my clit shrink

My Pussy Is Not A Walkie-Talkie: lessons in dirty talk and eye contact

wikipediya

2006-08-16T08:50:00.000-06:00

From:XXX@yahoo.com

To: mindy@mindyraf.com
Date: Aug 11, 2006 4:15 PM
Subject: i hope this doesn't constitute stalking :(

but i was doing a google search for hot jewish a$$ and your site came up, anyhoo, i got to reading and, who knew, hilarity ensued... (actually i just found your site through your collegehumor.com articles) anyway, i couldn't find anything on wikipediya about you, so i thought maybe as a contest you could have the masses of your loyal following each write an essay on why are melilfilous and/or why perky, girly, jewish boobies are the bestest! you could post the best essay as your wikipediya thingy
best of luck, you rock the socks!

I didn't know people could make their own wikipedia pages. Hmmm.
Well, I'm always looking for quotes to use in flyers and promo packs anyway (not necessary about my breasts though) so get to it. Write something in the comments or send it to mindy@mindyraf.com.

A an e-mail about my "saggy, huge, adorable tits"

2006-08-10T10:15:00.000-06:00

I decided to highlight all the tits. Just for fun.

Dear Mindy,

I just read all your columns on collegehumor.com, really great stuff. If you
ever come to the midwest for standup let me know, preferably Iowa, Chicago, or
Minneapolis. I should be in one of those places in the next 4 to 6 months.

I know you give really good advice to people but I got some advice for you.
You were saying in one of your colunmns that your huge, adorable tits started
to get a little saggy between the age of 21-23. In order to get them perky
again, you need to do dumbell flys. You lay down on a bench with 10 pound
dumbell in each hand with your arms hanging in the air on each side like you
are about to give someone a hug. Then you bring your arms together in front of
you with your elbows slightly bent. You want to concentrate on squeezing your
tits together(think cleavage). When you separate your arms again, you should
feel your chest strech. Do 10-12 repetitions 3 times. The key in all this is
to strenghten your chest underneath those beautiful tits.

Now I'm not a tall
blond with perky tits, but I'm 195 pounds of muscle(male by the way) so I know
what I'm talking about. If you can I would encourage you to join a good gym
with plenty of fitness equipment. Plus there are always a lot of dudes at the
gym that will hit on you. I just got shut down by this chick the other day,
she was streching right in front of me with her ass in my face and a big
smile, then she tells me she is engaged, WTF.

Good luck and hopefully you attract more attention to your
tits and write more great columns.

peace and love,
[name that starts with A

A quick craiglist pre-post

2006-08-09T08:17:00.000-06:00

Seeking Female For Wrestling Project.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: gigs-191708393@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-08-08, 6:00PM EDT<

Male vs. female wrestling project. E-mail for further details.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What further details do I need? I'm in!

"Great gig for ticklish female!!"

2006-08-08T10:39:00.000-06:00

Ladies, check out this craigslist ad.
I highlighted some of the perks for you.

Good luck!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey

I'm working on a group of offbeat videos that are a really fun gig for the right person. These would be videos, all shot in different locations, that feature you being tickled on your feet with a possible emphasis on other "casual" tickle spots (depending on your sensitivity). The videos are made informally (low budget) for a private collector in Italy and will not be sold or used in any public fashion. Ok, The catch: You'd need to have access to a filming location for an hour (It can be a place as simple as an [your] apartment).

So just to re-cap:
You could star in an offbeat, low budget, video where you would be tickled on casual spots by a complete stranger in your apartment.

New York is truly where dreams come true.

What the (7^9(!J&%!

2006-08-06T19:23:00.000-06:00

My whole blog disappeared tonight. The whole template, gone!

So um, put this template up for now and took 5 minutes to attempt to redesign it a little.

So yeah, that's why it looks like this.

Oh well, look aren't everything.

If these are your thoughts right now,

"Hey, I'm a web designer. I should just design Mindy a new template so she doesn't have to use her basic, but awesome, HTML web design skills to build another one. I'll do it for free too, cause I like her blog THAT much."

please contact me.

I heart Jesus

2006-08-04T12:26:00.000-06:00

I saw a Jews for Jesus advertisement on the subway today. I’m sorry to offend any Jesus loving Jews who are reading this, but you can't be Jewish AND believe in Jesus. Also, the name Jews for Jesus implies the rest of us Jewish people are against Jesus, which is totally not true.

Jewish people are FOR Jesus. Jewish people LOVE Jesus, they just don’t think he’s God.

So, I think
“People Who Were Born Jewish And Who Now Think Jesus is the Son of God and Want Every Jewish Person Alive to Believe Jesus is the Son of God Too ” would be a more appropriate title for the religion.
If that’s too long, then...
how about
“Evangelical Christians?”
That’s much shorter, and I’m sure will catch on much faster.

But as long as Jews for Jesus people are around, they might as well find love.
So I threw this together on by nifty Microsoft Paint
Then I realized it looked familar. Oh, right, The Post Show already did this:

and their cross is much cooler looking than mine.

Oh well. I'm always proud of my 2-3 minute graphic design work, even it's totally unoriginal.

In other exciting news, my dress fell down when I was hailing a cab this morning. It took me about 4 full cabs going by before I noticed. If you were just looking at my boobs, and I had just gotten them done, and was not wearing a strapless bra, I would have totally looked just like Tara Reid.

I still love my shoes.

2006-08-02T14:27:00.000-06:00

I hate super skinny bitchy women.

I hate super skinny bitchy women who wear halter dresses with no jackets in the middle of the winter.

And after today, I also hate super skinny bitchy women who wear cashmere sweaters during a heat wave and don't sweat, and who make fun of my shoes with their super skinny sweater wearing friends.

I have a new theory. The super skinny bitchy woman is not human. She's part of a large group of annoying alien creatures taking over NYC that frown a lot, don't like colorful cheap shoes, and are immune to temperature change.

It's the only explanation.

Show at the amazing, magnificent and beautiful SpiegelWorld - SAVE THE DATE!

2006-07-26T18:31:00.000-06:00

I'm performing on this show. Twice.

As myself doing comedy songs, and again as Leibya Rogers.

Please come, and tell your friends!

Performance Space 122 brings you A Summer Season at Spiegeltent:
featuring the comedy collective Chicks and Giggles.
Monday, August 14 th at 10PM
The line-up features Michelle Buteau, Rachel Feinstein, Jess Wood. Music from Adira Amram Mindy Raf & Free to Be Friends.
Hosted by: Carolyn Castiglia.

Spiegeltent is located: (Fulton Fish Market, Pier 17, South Street Seaport). Tickets are $15 or $10 for P.S. 122 members and may be purchased by calling Spiegeltent at 212-279-4200 (open 12-8 Daily) or online at speigelworld.com

Leibya Rogers and Sodomy

2006-07-21T11:46:00.000-06:00

Leibya:(la·bi·a)
Plural of Labium:
1.Any of four folds of tissue of the female external genitalia.

2.A liplike structure, such as that forming the floor of the mouth of certain invertebrates, especially insects.

3.A bi-sexual, vegan, musical poet living in NYC created by Mindy Raf who you should add as a friend on myspace,if you have myspace, so you can get bulletins about her upcoming shows and read her blog and soon listen to her music.

Add Leibya!

-----------------------------------------------

Last week I got this message on my cell phone from my mom who just got of the hospital due to an infection from a previous surgery. This is what she said, or at least this is what I thought I heard:

Mom: Hey Mindy. I'm out of hospital. Everything went fine. The doctor ended up having to sodomize the infection. So, it's all sodomized now and much better. . .

So I called her back:

Me: So what happened? Sodomized? Sodomy mom?
Mom: What? Sodomy . .that's from Rent!
Me: What?
Mom: That song. "To sodomy, it's between God and me, to S&M. La Vie Boheme."
Me: Mom, do you know what sodomy is?
Mom: Um, yes. No. Maybe.
Me: It's anal sex, more or less.
Mom: Oh. Why are we talking about this?
Me: Is it a medical term too?
Mom: Ah, no.
Me: So, what did they do to the infection?
Mom: Oh, ahahahaha, cauterize. They cauterized it.
Me: Oh.

So...

2006-07-20T17:00:00.000-06:00

I’m walking home today after deciding to splurge on a foot long Subway sub, and I’m thinking about how much work I’m putting into writing and performing and how little money I’m making and I’m thinking, “god, even 20 bucks right now would be great!” and then I see a 20 dollar bill on the ground! It’s right next to a girl who’s leaning up against a tree talking on her cell phone. So I look down at the bill, cell phone girl then sees me see the bill, and before I can say "get your tacky green eyeshadow covered eyes off my money!" she swoops down and picks up the bill! I give her a ‘i was about to pick that up, that was so rude’ look and she quickly says, “Um sorry that’s mine. I dropped it.”

She walks away still talking on her cell phone, and I walk not far behind her, attempting to use my awesome math skills to figure out how many foot long subs I could have bought for 20 bucks. I guess she doesn’t know I’m behind her because she says,

“Oh my god babe guess what?! I just found 20 dollars on the ground!”

“What a CUNT-TWAT-UGLY BITCH!” I say to myself, just loud enough for the entire block to hear.

Not the girl on the street, but
this image came up when I googled
cunt twat.

Kittens and Dildo Porn: Happy Monday

2006-07-17T11:49:00.000-06:00

Animals LOVE my writing. They really get me.

Hmmm . . .so I'm kind of unemployed. Okay, that's not true. I have a couple part time jobs but I quit one of them before I left for Israel and I need to replace it very soon. So, naturally, I've been hanging out on Craigslist. Here's one of my favorite job posts, with the e-mail I actually sent back just for fun. As long as you have an extra 4 hours to spend every morning looking for a way to make a little cash, you might as well use some of that time to send e-mails to "jobs" you'd NEVER take. Enjoy.

Attractive Female For Strap-On Female Dominance Film
Reply to: phillipbutts@straponnyc.com
Date: 2006-07-16, 7:08PM EDT
New York City's premiere female dominance film maker is seeking an attractive female to star in a female dominance movie to be filmed on Sunday, August 6, 2006.

This is an excellent short-term income opportunity for amateurs who enjoy treating males like crap and who don't have a problem with strapping on a dildo and making males suck it and take it up their asses. Experience is helpful but not necessary.

Applicants should be sincere, punctual, enthusiastic and open-minded. Applicants should be able to verbally abuse and humiliate males, slap males, whip and flog males and, of course, fuck and force feed males with your "girl dicks". Of course, because females rule, you will not be having sex with the males - they are there to service you. You are the star of the film.
Pay for this movie is $400.00.

Dear Mr. Butts,

Hey there! Is that your real name? LOL.

I hope you had a great weekend Sir and...well, this is your lucky day!

My name is Mindy Raf and this e-mail is in response to your craigslist ad looking for an amateur porn actress. That's me! Well actually I'm a total beginner. This would be my first naughty film : ) But I'm a quick learner, totally outgoing, and (if shot at a flattering angle) look really HOT on camera. I'd be perfect for your strap-on film.

I do though, however, have some ground rules. I won't make a man "suck it" nor will I "shove a dildo up [his] ass." I'd be happy to wear a robe or nightie while slapping them lightly, but no whipping or flogging. As I always say, words thrill, hands kill. And about "force [feeding] males with my 'girl dick,' um... no.

I do enjoy treating men like crap and I do think that females rule, and I too think men should service us. So, maybe instead of all the sex/dildo/nude stuff, I could just have a 400 dollar worth cameo where I come in fully clothed and deliver a monologue about girl power, with a mask on. Or maybe it’s just a voice over. You don't even have to put my name in the credits; my paycheck is all the credit I need.

So, let me know. Look forward to working with you,
~Mindy Raf

PS.I have some comedy song videos on my website. You can find them here. One of them is about oral sex. For the right amount of money I'll let you use it in the film.

Ooops

2006-07-13T11:26:00.000-06:00

Sorry. I know I said I would post this week, but it turned into a busy couple of days. I think my lack of posting has widdled this blog down to about 20 loyal readers, 10 of them male stalkers. Oh well. Stalkers are people too, and some of them enjoy going to comedy shows. So...um...wanna see another scary picture of me I just received via e-mail? Of course you do!

As Leibya Rogers: pic by brian van

I think I need to make a website entitled:
I'mnotreallythiscarylookingbutcheckoutsomereallyscarypicuresofme.com

I'm Back

2006-07-10T09:19:00.000-06:00

Posting will resume this week.

And while you're reading, you should check out my show schedule and come to a show.
I'll buy you a drink!

*Buy you a drink=give you a hug
(Mindy is very poor right now)

GOOD MORNING!

2006-06-28T12:25:00.000-06:00

Currently adjusting to life back in New York.

Okay that's not true, I'm out West, but adjusting none the less.

I am unable to put my amazing my trip to Israel in words at the moment, so um . . . look at this sunrise

and me hiking

and . . .
will post a link to more pics soon.

Dear people that still check for updates,

2006-06-15T10:33:00.000-06:00

I’m sorry about my lack of posting. I’ve just been really super busy lately.
Busy:
To drink alochol during the day and watching Lifetime and Oxygen at night while eating carryout.
The thing is, I’m leaving town this week and will be without internet access for a bit.
Leaving Town:
Can’t afford to buy alcohol and carryout anymore and so taking a free trip to Israel.
But don’t worry, I’ve got a really awesome guest blogger lined up for you.
Guest Blogger:
Mindy thinks this is ridiculous and therefore nobody will be updating her blog while she is away.
And if I do find a computer in the Promise Land, maybe I’ll update with some pictures.
Picture Update:
Yeah, probably not gonna happen.
So what can you do while I’m gone?
Have you read ALL of my columns? No! Well hello?
Watch a video and post one on your site.
Come over to my apt with Chinese food (right now!)
Bringing Mindy Chinese Food:
Something everyone should do atleast once in their life.
Read my archives. If you’re going to stalk you might as well have some laughs.
Stalking Mindy:
Sending her a Myspace message that says, “I’ve pictured the way you smell.”

Leibya Rogers

2006-06-02T10:15:00.000-06:00

Performed last night at Galapagos as Leibya Rogers(add her)

Got up on stage and my friend Matt(who didn't recognize me while I was sitting at the bar) turned to my friend Nichelle and said something like,

"Wait a minute, I thought Mindy was the musical guest!"

Photos by Brian Van

On the F train

2006-06-01T10:18:00.000-06:00

this morning. I’m flanked between a guy who is picking his nose and flinging his findings upon the subway floor and an a guy who is picking a scab on his knee and dropping his bloody congealed skin on the floor. I think to myself, you know what this subway car needs right now? A man playing a giant Yamaha keyboard, and the recorder stimulatingly on the floor of the train while rapping about being unemployed to a samba beat. And then magically he appeared.
All those people who can afford chauffeurs, pfff, they’re totally missing out.

Working

2006-05-30T05:47:00.001-06:00

on some other stuff. Sorry for the lack of posting. Here's some photo math. Enjoy.

+ +..OPEN BAR..

=

This

This

This

and All of These.

Apparently I pretend I'm on America's Next Top Model when I'm drunk, easily make friends with gay men, and think making a nasty looking claw with my hand is HOT.
Good to know.

?!?!?!

2006-05-22T14:38:00.000-06:00

“ . . .Sorry if this is really forward, but was wondering if you were single. Be in town next week for business need a place to stay. I mean I could get a hotel . . . .”

Think he’ll get the sarcasm if I send this out?

Dear Random Dude I’ve never met who reads my columns,

Sure, I’d love if you would come stay with me. I’ve always wanted to bang an outta town fan, can’t wait! Who knows, maybe we'll fall in love. I’ll call you with my address later. Oh, and don’t bother bringing condoms, I trust you baby!

~Mindy

Kitty's Killer Cookies

2006-05-16T15:55:00.000-06:00

Was home last weekend and found this great cookie recipe in my mom’s cookbook from 1972. Enjoy.

I've found me an agent!

2006-05-12T11:28:00.000-06:00

Cab driver: What do you do?
Me: Ah, I write and do freelance things.
Cab driver: Oh. Okay. You have fun face?
Me: What?
Cab driver: You’re face is fun. Good for film.
Me: Fun?
Cab driver: Yes.
Me:Okay.
Cab driver:You should be an actress.
Me: Heh, good idea.
Cab driver: More money in TV and Film than writing.
Me: Is that right? Okay then, I’ll go for it.
Cab driver: Good. You are what they say in industry “likable” you’ll get good ratings!

Only in New York (and I guess LA too) do cab drivers know about the "industry."

So the quarter-life crisis is over.
I’m going to be an actress on TV and film and get “good ratings!”
Whew! Piece of cake. Thank god I’ve found my niche.

Please read aloud

2006-05-10T07:44:00.000-06:00

Mmmmmm

2006-05-04T14:53:00.000-06:00

I look like a bulimic in action in this pic , but I can assure you that cupcake-and the others I ate that night- stayed down and went directly to my booty!

photo by brian van

I'm a whore!

2006-05-02T13:37:00.000-06:00

So, a very reliable source told me last week that a group of guys from Columbia Law School are regular readers of my blog and my CollegeHumor column. The source was talking to one of the guys and my name came up, he said something like,

Law Student: Oh, Mindy Raf? You know her?! We all read her stuff. Did her read her one about the birthright guy? Oh my god, sheÂs such a whore.

Now I really could give a crap what a bunch of ÂlawyersÂ IÂve never met think about me, but I do think itÂs interesting that a female is still considered a ÂwhoreÂ just because she admits she has sex.

Besides, the column I wrote is called Banged by a Birthright Employee not Banged by One Hundred Birthright Employees. Am I really a whore because I had sex with a guy I was DATING?! And even if we werenÂt dating, and even if I had sex with more than one guy, am I still a Âwhore?Â simply I a simpy a ÂwhoreÂ because I made it public that I had sex with a guy and wasnÂt ashamed to do so?

No. I think IÂm a ÂwhoreÂ because some men just canÂt handle the fact that a woman is able to not only tell people sheÂs having sex, but do so in a smart and funny way (Or at least that's always the plan.)

ItÂs 2006, does this double standard really still exist? I guess so. I guess women still canÂt be public about sex without men saying ÂsheÂs such a whoreÂ or Âugh, why do women always talk about sex and their vaginas.Â

So if any of you lawyers- to-be are reading this right now, please keep following my blog and columns. I hope to have many more ÂwhorishÂ stories for you soon!

oh and scroll down. I masturbate too!!

*Update:
Rachel Kramer Bussel's a whore too! Her thoughts on this are great, and she's also linked her own column Whore Pride which isn't directly related to this incident, but a good and interesting read.

HOW I CONVINCED TWO GIRLS TO MASTURBATE

2006-04-27T16:03:00.000-06:00

By Mindy Raf

“Well I don’t really see the point of doing it. Why would I do it when I could get a guy to do it for me?” The Blonde shouts to me over the loud music, and shrugs her shoulders as if to say that there is obviously no point in discussing this further. “Yeah,” her friend nods and shouts in agreement, “what’s the point?”

I clutch my hand to my chest and feign chocking on my beer. (It’s hack and overdramatic, but the level of my shock is such that a blank stare will not do). This is my second ‘hack beer choke’ of the evening. The first occurred about thirty seconds ago, after the blonde told me she’s never masturbated and her friend added on a “Yeah, me neither.”

Both girls are well past the age of eleven, the time when girls stay home from school pretending to be sick in order to learn ‘more important things.’ (Was I the only one?) Both girls are dressed to go out in, tight jeans and bedazzled tops. Both girls are drinking PBR. And both girls have NEVER MASTURBATED.

I watch them sip their beers and dance provocatively, successfully gaining the attention of the predominately male crowd. A hipster from across the room checks out the blonde. She returns his gaze with a coy smile and energetic hip shake. I marvel at what would happen if they were to hook up.

Hipster: Is that good? You like that?
Blonde: Yeah…I think.
Hipster: Right there? Yeah, you like that?
Blonde: Yeah…I think.

I turn to my friend Mark,“Mark! Those girls have never masturbated!!”
“Oh my god!” he says mockingly.
“This is a serious matter.” I exclaim, and head towards the dancing girls who are now sipping there beers, unaware that their lives are about to change forever.

“What’s up girls?” I shout nonchalantly, uncertain still about my plan of attack. Should I lecture them? Should I whip out a flip chart with diagrams? Should I bust out my laptop and do a full PowerPoint presentation?

I’m an awful artist and an average PowerPoint user, so I decide to go with the lecture. I start out with a casual ice breaker.

continue reading. . .

Sorry

2006-04-24T09:57:00.000-06:00

I promised you guys a great girl masturbation story and then I don't update for a week. A little busy working on some other stuff, be back soon.

Um . . .every time you want to check my site for updates today, eat something yummy instead.

Couldn't sleep last night

2006-04-17T11:00:00.000-06:00

and therefore was thrilled when a *stalker sent me a link to this website.

You upload pictures and then it tells you what celebrities physically match up.

So of course I uploaded me at my best.

The results . . .

amazing!

*nice guy named Pete from Wisconsin.

Update:

Okay, I tried it last night with a normal picture of me AND the ugly picture and got the SAME results. This upset me at first, but I'm over it. The ugly picture is still me, "deal with it Mindy."

I mean it's so obvious that I look like Jolie in that picture. I don't know why I didn't see it before.

And with a baby picture,

(this site is my new "I'm home, I'm drunk, I can't sleep" entertainment)

Okay, enough of this, I'm posting the story of how I convinced two girls to masturbate soon. Get excited.

Last night,

2006-04-12T11:42:00.000-06:00

while vegging out in front of the TV and eating some dinner, I discovered that there's one sentence that causes to me to turn off my television on the spot.

“Stayed tuned, because two back to back episodes of 7th Heaven are starting . . . right now.”

I really hope

2006-04-11T11:52:00.000-06:00

I didn't inherit my sense of humor from my mom.

Hi,
You have been just sent an electronic greeting card from Kitty. It is waiting for you at our card site. (click the pic)

Happy Passover! Funny Video!

luv, mom

This is what I got today

2006-04-10T09:20:00.000-06:00

I’m at H&M buying a skanky top, (I go there now for my Forever 21 fix) and I’m on the children’s floor because there’s never a wait for a fitting room. So I’m paying for my skanky top and that Black Eyed Peas “My Humps” song is playing. I look behind me and there’s this cute, little, latina girl (6 or 7 years old) dancing and loudly singing along:

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps.

They say I'm really sexy,
The boys they wanna sex me.
They always standing next to me,
Always dancing next to me,
Tryin' a feel my hump, hump.
Lookin' at my lump, lump.
All that breast inside that shirt?

The song’s not that dirty, but it just seemed wrong for a little girl to be saying “the boys they wanna sex me,” and “lookin’ at my lump lump."

When I was 7 the songs I sang along to had lyrics like:

”I get lost in your eyes
And I feel my spirits rise
And soar like the wind..
Is it love that I am in?”

and

“Shake your love
I just can't shake your love
Shake your love
I just can't shake. . .
your love.

Oh Debbie/Deborah Gibson, I miss you!

Dear Mireille Guiliano,

2006-04-06T10:15:00.000-06:00

Hi, my name is Mindy Raf and I'm writing you in regards to your book "French Women Don't Get Fat: The Secret of Eating for Pleasure."

I just wanted to let you know that I tried eating for pleasure. I tried your magical method of “fooling” myself into satiation, and “eating with my head,” and I think it is complete bullshit. You’re a liar Mireille Guiliano, just like Rachael Ray.

Yesterday I went to Burritoville for lunch. I ordered one Mystical Frisco Beef Burrito and one Chicken Flauta.

Mindy’s Head: Mmmm I can’t wait to eat that entire Steak Burrito.
Mindy’s French Head: No, no, no don’t eat the whole thing just indulge in a couple pleasurable bites.
Mindy’s Head: Fuck off you annoying bitch!

But I was determined to give it another chance. So I took long luscious bites of the burrito, holding the guacamole on my tongue for a bit before swallowing it down. I held the plastic cup of pico de gallo to my nose before pouring it atop my flauta and attempted to let its scent take me to another world. Well guess what? I finished the whole burrito and then ate the entire flauta. It took me 2 hours and 10 minutes, and I was late for work!

So go ahead and take one tiny bite of your croissant before throwing the rest of it away,I know the truth. Your body is not the result of some savory attitude or gastronomical, anthropological, paradox, it’s the result of genetics and the fact that there are no elevators in France.

I can't beleive I trusted a woman who said:

“I love pastry, chocolate and ice cream and eat them all the time. How much is enough, though? I believe the first two or three bites provide the most satisfaction.”

Mireille, Mireille, Mireille! Every woman who’s ever eaten out of a pint of Ben n' Jerry’s knows that it’s the LAST few bites right before you can totally see the cardboard bottom that "provide the most satisfaction." Why don’t you think about that the next time you spend seven hours eating that delicious apple you call “lunch.”

I really look forward to hearing back from you (in English please.)

Oh, and when you write back please include your address so I can send you a copy of my new book which is coming out soon.

Bon Appétit,

~Mindy

I always leave my designer stuff at home, don't you?

2006-04-04T00:59:00.000-06:00

I heard two girls (eight years old at the most) having this conversation in a locker room of a Jewish Community Center type establishment on the Upper West Side.

Girl 1: Your nanny and my nanny are friends.

Girl 2: Yeah, my nanny really likes your nanny, but my mom doesn’t like your mom.

Girl 1: My mom doesn’t like your mom either. That’s why we only play with our nannies.

Girl 2: Yeah because my nanny really likes your nanny.

Girl 1: Yeah, I know. Why does your nanny have a fake Coach purse?

Girl 2: I don’t know. Maybe she leaves her real one at home because she’s afraid she’ll lose it.

Girl 1: Yeah, but I can tell it’s fake.

Girl 2: I know. But not everybody can.

thisisnotreallyablogforreal

MindyRaf.com

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This

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